


start again.

by porcelainsimplicity



Series: light up the dark. [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, F/M, First Order is a Band, I may have made BB-8 a therapist, I may have made C-3PO a guitar as well, I may have made Jar Jar a dog, I may have made R2 a guitar, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Minor Character Death, Starfighter Café, Takodana Cantina, more tags will be added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-11 12:03:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 40,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5625919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he'd left town, he'd been Ben Solo, and Ben Solo had broken Rey's heart.  But now he's Kylo Ren, and he's back in town, and the moment he sees her, he remembers everything they'd had before.  But he's not stupid enough to think that it's going to be easy to earn her forgiveness, and he's certain that they'll never regain what they had before, but he's going to try.  He has to at least try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. return.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! jumping into this fandom with an au fic, because i literally write almost nothing but au fic. i don't know if anyone is going to read this or like it or what, but i'm going to write it because otherwise it's going to sit in the forefront of my mind and fester until i write it anyway. big thanks to scarlett for introducing me to the star wars universe, being my jedi master, and encouraging me to take this leap.

There's a hole in the middle of my heart again  
Can we start again, can we start again  
There's a hole in the middle and it never mends  
It never mends, can we start again  
conrad sewell - _start again_  


The moment he drove past the city limits sign indicating he was back in Manhattan, Kylo Ren wondered why it was he thought it was a good idea to come back to Kansas. He could have gone anywhere in the world after quitting the band, but something drew him back to his hometown. He wasn't sure what that was, but he figured that he would discover the reason soon enough. He had an apartment lined up near the campus of the university, he had a plan in place to make sure he avoided his family, and he was going to find himself, or some bullshit like that.

Manhattan hadn't changed that much since the last time he'd been there. Kansas State University still dominated everything about the town, but that was what happened when there was a major university in a shitty small town in the midwest. He drove around aimlessly, noting what was new and what wasn't. Eventually he noticed a café named Starfighter a block ahead. That hadn't been there before he left, so he decided that was where he would start. 

He pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car, taking in the building. It had a big fake fighter plane on top of the building, and Kylo figured that his father would probably have called it an X-Wing. He immediately stopped that train of thought and walked through the door, taking notice of the sign that said to wait to be seated. He looked around the room and saw other space related art, and his eyes were following a horizontal painting of what he guessed was some sort of base when she came into view.

Shit.

She was just as beautiful as he remembered, her hair pulled back into the three buns on the back of her head that he had joked was her trademark. She was dealing with a table of what looked like high school jocks, her waitress outfit an interesting mix of a beige tunic and pants. Part of him wanted to run to her, kiss her as deeply as he used to, and ask her to forgive him for everything he'd done. He knew how deeply he'd hurt her when he left to join the band, because it hurt himself just as deeply. 

When he'd first met her, the newly orphaned teenager that was staying with his uncle until she was of age, he'd been struck by her determination and strength. When they'd gone on their first date, he was struck by her pride in her convictions and the dry sense of humor that came through in lighter moments. She wanted to be a professor at the university and was full of questions of what it was like to be one, and since he'd just taken up a position as professor of literature, he answered her questions as best he could. They'd had four glorious years together, when he fell so deeply in love that he wasn't sure where he ended and she began. 

He'd been saving up for a ring with the money he made freelancing for local bands as their bass guitarist when Snoke had approached him about joining First Order. At first he turned him down, but Snoke was persistant, calling him every day, texting him all the time, emailing. Then he got Hux and Phasma involved, and the more that he heard about the band and their recording contract and their potential, the more tempted he got. He may have been a professor, but he'd dreamed of being in a successful band his entire life, and eventually he reached a point where he couldn't say no. He'd ended things with Rey because he felt it was for the best. He didn't know what awaited him, and he didn't want her to sit around Manhattan waiting for him. It killed him to do it, but he knew it was for the best.

But he was back now, and she was there, and every bit of love and affection he'd ever felt for her rose to the surface of his mind and his heart, and he suddenly realized exactly why he'd come back to Kansas.

Then Finn walked up to him, a murderous look on his face, and Kylo realized that getting her back was probably impossible.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Finn practically yelled, the murmurs of the patrons falling silent. 

“Finn!” came a shout from the door into the kitchens. “Language!”

“Sorry Poe, but he fucking deserves it,” Finn said, getting in Kylo's face. “You're lucky I don't break your neck right here and now.”

“Good to see you too, Finn,” Kylo said, his eyes trained on where Rey was staring at him. “I've moved back, and this place is new to me, so I came here to eat. Simple as that.”

“Nothing with you is as simple as that, asshole,” Finn exclaimed. “Who told you she works here?”

“No one,” Kylo said, holding up his hands. “It's a complete coincidence, I swear.”

By this point, another man had walked up behind Finn, and he pulled Finn away from Kylo. “Finn, calm down.”

“Poe, you have no idea who he is.”

“Yeah, I do,” Poe said, looking over at him. “Shall I call you Kylo or Ben?”

“Kylo,” he said. “Do I know you?”

“Probably not,” Poe said, holding out a hand. “Poe Dameron. I own this place, and I'm pretty sure we went to high school together.”

Kylo studied him for a moment before shaking his hand. “Football team, right?”

“Yeah,” Poe said, holding Finn back when he tried to advance towards Kylo again. “Finn, I said calm down. Whatever your business with Kylo is, it's not worth it.”

“Oh, you better believe it is,” Finn said, shaking free of Poe's grip. He went to take a step forward but found his other arm suddenly restrained.

They all looked behind him and found Rey standing there, shaking her head at Finn. “Poe's right. He's not worth it.”

Kylo swallowed hard and gave her a smile. “Hello Rey.”

“Hello Ben.”

“Kylo. Legally and everything. Kylo Ren. Ben Solo is no more.”

“I know,” Rey said, turning her attention to Finn and Poe. “Can I have a break?”

Poe looked between Rey and Kylo before understanding washed over him and he nodded. “Take all the time you need.”

Poe dragged Finn away from them and Rey motioned for Kylo to follow her. They went through the dining room and into the kitchens, then out a door that led to the back alley. When the door shut behind them, Rey turned to him and it took all of Kylo's self-restraint not to reach for her.

“You're here,” Rey said, taking a deep breath. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”

“To be honest, I wasn't sure you were either,” Kylo said. “Rey...”

“Whatever it is you're about to say, don't. I've imagined this conversation so many times that I'm sure I know every single one of your excuses. And since you're just going to skip town again, I don't want to hear them.”

“I'm not skipping town again,” Kylo said. “I quit the band.”

Rey looked surprised for a moment before her restrained and stoic look returned. “You quit the band?”

“I couldn't take any more of Hux and Phasma's bullshit,” Kylo said, shrugging. “Snoke was furious, but I wasn't happy, and to be honest I never had been happy there in New York and in the band, and I just decided to be done with it all.”

“I thought for sure you were having the time of your life,” Rey said softly. “You looked it.”

“You followed the band?”

Rey blushed. “And your Twitter and Instagram and well, we never unfriended each other on Facebook either. I saw it all.”

“None of them meant anything,” Kylo said quickly. “And none of them got anything either.”

Rey let out an amused snort. “Sure. You were surrounded by groupies and didn't sleep with any of them. Right.”

“I didn't,” Kylo said. “You can believe me or not, whichever you choose. But I am telling you the truth.”

Rey stood there for a moment before looking straight into Kylo's eyes. “Why are you here?”

“Because sometimes the best place to go is back home,” Kylo said seriously. “Honestly, I could have gone anywhere in the world, but something was just calling me home.”

Rey swallowed hard. “You're really home for good?”

“For now, at least. I can't say for the future.” Kylo stared at her for a moment. “You look beautiful.”

“Right.” Rey took a deep breath. “I need to get back to work.”

“Of course,” Kylo said, nodding. “I didn't mean to interrupt your shift. I really had no idea you worked here.”

“It's alright,” Rey said, walking towards the door. “I know you didn't. But I would like it if you would leave.”

Kylo nodded again. “Alright.”

They made their way inside and back into the dining room, Rey immediately walking to a table. Kylo headed for the door and made his way into his car. Once the car door was shut, he leaned forward and put his forehead on the steering wheel, taking several deep breaths. He hadn't been ready to see her, but now that he had, he knew he had a single purpose.

He needed Rey's forgiveness. He might not every be able to restore their relationship to the beautiful heights that it had reached, but he needed to earn her forgiveness.


	2. run into.

“I cannot believe he had the audacity to just come into the café like that,” Finn said as he and Rey made their way into their shared apartment. “Fucking asshole.”

“He's not an asshole,” Rey said, setting aside her things and heading straight for her laptop. “I've got to write that essay for Luke's class tomorrow.”

“Rey, we've got to talk about this,” Finn said, leaning up against the wall. “Ben's back.”

“Kylo,” Rey corrected.

“I am not fucking calling him Kylo.”

“It's his name now,” Rey said. “He's not the person he was when he was here before. Now leave me alone so I can write this essay.”

“You're kidding me right? The guy that shattered your heart comes back to town and you don't even want to talk about it? Rey, how much time have we spent talking about the end of your relationship? We've been doing it for two years! And I'm still not sure that I've helped you piece every last little shard of your heart back together.”

Rey sighed and grabbed her laptop, sitting down on the sofa. “Finn, it's fine.”

“It is not fine!”

Rey stopped what she was doing and looked over at her best friend. “It doesn't matter now. He's here and I have to deal with it. So it doesn't matter if every last shard of my heart, and thank you for that imagery, is back in place. It'll get there, and believe it or not, seeing him and talking with him may help with that.”

Finn pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Rey, collapsing down onto the sofa next to her. “You're not seriously going to spend time with him.”

“If he wants to spend time with me, I'll consider it,” Rey said, opening up her laptop and signing in. “Besides, it's not like I'll never see him. He's allowed to come into the café, which he didn't even get to try today because you flipped out on him, and this town isn't that big. Besides, if he reconciles with his family, I might see him when I'm over at Luke's.”

“You are being entirely too rational about this.”

Rey stopped and looked over at Finn again. “What do you want me to do? Break things? Cry my eyes out? Lock myself in my room and refuse to come out?”

“I want you to have some sort of response!” Finn exclaimed. “You dated him for four years! You thought you were going to marry him!”

“I am having a response,” Rey said. “I'm choosing not to let him get to me. If you don't like that, I'm sorry.”

“That's absolutely ridiculous.”

Rey slammed the laptop shut and reached for her messenger bag. “I'm going over to Luke's.”

“Rey.”

“No,” Rey said sternly. “I need to finish this essay for his class, and I can't do that if you're constantly after me to do something stupid just because I saw Kylo again. So I'm leaving. Do not follow me.”

Rey stuffed her laptop in the bag and then headed towards the door, grabbing her things and looking over at Finn. “Don't be surprised if I don't come back tonight.”

She opened the door before Finn could say another word and headed for the stairs. She jogged down them easily, and headed out of the building and to her car. She took a deep breath once she was behind the wheel, and then took off for Luke's.

Luke Skywalker was like a father to her, and though it was difficult adjusting to the student-teacher relationship they now had while on campus, she was still his foster daughter when they weren't. Maybe heading to the apartment of the uncle of the man she was trying not to think about was a bad idea, but she knew that Kylo hadn't spoken to anyone in his family since he left for New York, and she was fairly certain that he wasn't going to do so that night. 

She had to tell Luke that Kylo was back in town. She had to talk to him about it. Luke had been the one to introduce them, and he had been the one to give his blessing for her to date him when she was only seventeen, and Luke was the one who felt responsible when it all went wrong because he was the one to teach Kylo how to play the bass guitar in the first place. 

It didn't matter how much Rey told him that it wasn't his fault. Luke firmly believed it was. But now Kylo was back and maybe, just maybe, she could finally get Luke to realize that what happened was down to Kylo, not him.

Rey pulled into the parking lot and into one of the guest spots. Luke's designated spot was open, which meant he was probably still in his office at the university, so she'd just let herself in and text him that she was home. She contemplated leaving and getting some food, but decided against it. Luke would pick something up for them on the way home, because he always did.

She got out of the car and walked towards the building, head down as she texted Luke that she was there. She turned to follow the sidewalk up to the door and collided hard with someone. Two phones went flying and arms reached out to steady Rey before she could fall. She looked up to apologize and the words died on her lips.

“Rey, I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going and...”

“It's fine, Kylo,” she made herself say. “I wasn't watching either.”

They stared at each other for a moment before Kylo realized he was still holding onto her and let go. “Do you live here?”

“No,” Rey said, shaking her head. “Luke does.”

She could see the realization flow through him, a mixture of fright, disappointment, and acceptance. “I guess I was going to run into them at some point, wasn't I?”

“Why did you abandon them like that?” Rey said before she could stop herself. “They are so proud of you and the band, even though Luke feels responsible for it.”

His brow furrowed and Rey resisted the urge to reach up and smooth it away. “Luke feels responsible for what?”

“Everything that...” Rey trailed off. “You know. Happened. With you leaving and with me...you know.”

Kylo took a deep breath. “It wasn't his fault. It was mine.”

“I've tried telling him that. It doesn't work.” Rey swallowed hard. “Why did you abandon us? You never answered me.”

“I'm afraid that's a conversation that is for another time,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “It's entirely too long to have now, and I don't want to keep you from Luke. “

Rey nodded, turning away from Kylo to look for her phone. She found it in the grass a few yards away and grabbed it, turning around to face him again. “Do you live here?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, picking up his phone. “Apartment 404, if you ever want to stop by.”

Rey let out a laugh, and Kylo gave her a confused look. “Luke's in 402, right across the hall from you.”

Kylo just shook his head. “So much for me avoiding the family.”

“It'll be alright,” Rey said, walking over to him. “They miss you.”

“Yeah, sure,” Kylo said. “Anyway, I have to go. It was nice seeing you again, Rey.”

Kylo walked away and Rey headed towards the building, collapsing against the wall of the elevator once she was inside. She clicked through the contacts on her phone until she found the one she wanted, then pressed the buttons to make the call connect.

She took a deep breath as they said their greeting, and then she spoke.

“Han? I just saw your son. He's back in town.”


	3. breakfast.

Kylo was locking the door to his apartment when he heard a door open behind him, and he took a deep breath before turning around. “Luke.”

“Ben,” Luke said, leaning up against the doorframe. “It's so good to see you.”

“Ben Solo is gone,” Kylo said. “It's Kylo Ren now.”

“Yes, I heard about that,” Luke said, smiling. “I didn't like it at first but Rey convinced me it suited you.”

Kylo's eyes nearly widened in shock. “Rey?” 

“Did you really think that just because you left town that she would stop caring?” Luke asked. “Because I honestly think that beneath all of the pain and all of the sadness, she was really proud of how well your career was going. I know I caught her listening to First Order songs often enough.”

Kylo closed his eyes for a moment while he thought of how to respond. “She...really?”

“Of course,” Luke said. “You don't get over a love instantly, especially one as deep as yours was. She's still not over it, if I'm being honest. I'm not sure she'd admit that, but I know her better than she thinks.”

Kylo forced himself to take a deep breath. “She told me you thought my leaving was your fault. I hope that you know that it wasn't.”

“I taught you how to play that guitar,” Luke said. “I put the idea of being in a band in your head. Of course it's my fault.”

“Luke, seriously, it was my choice. Not yours.”

“Rey's been trying to convince me of that too,” Luke said, pushing away from the doorframe and walking across the hallway. “It really is good to see you, Kylo.”

Kylo swallowed hard as Luke came closer. “So I take it the whole family knows I'm back now?”

“Of course,” Luke said. “You had to know that was going to happen.”

“I was hoping for more time.”

“No you weren't,” Luke said, shaking his head. “Or you would have run the moment you realized I was behind you.”

Kylo let a wry smile cross his face. “Well, you've always been easier to face than Mom and Dad.”

Luke laughed. “I suppose I am, aren't I? Always was in your eyes.”

“My favorite uncle.”

“Your only uncle.”

“Doesn't mean you weren't my favorite,” Kylo said, glancing at the time on his phone. “I've got to go.”

“Job interview?”

Kylo shook his head. “No. I'm not looking for a job at the moment. Not really in need of one.”

“Shame,” Luke said, turning around and heading back to his apartment. “The university has an opening in the English department. I know they'd take you back in a heartbeat, Professor.”

“I'm not a professor.”

“You were,” Luke said. “Tell Rey I said hello.”

“Why do you think I'm going to see Rey?” 

“Because I know you better than you think,” Luke said, closing the door to his apartment, leaving Kylo standing there alone.

After a moment, he headed towards the elevator and made his way downstairs, getting into his car and plugging his phone into the charger. He took four deep breaths before starting the car and driving away. He was going to find a place to get some breakfast because he had no food in his apartment, and something drew him back to Starfighter Café. He sat in the car for five minutes before he decided to get up and go inside, regardless of whether Finn was in there or not. Besides, he deserved Finn's anger.

He stood in the lobby for a few minutes before a hostess seated him, and he looked over the menu, inwardly laughing at all the space references. He wondered for a moment if Poe had studied astronomy at some point, but he was distracted by a waitress coming up to the table. He gave her his drink order – coffee black and a glass of orange juice – and as she walked away, Poe approached the table.

“You mind if I join you?” Poe asked.

“Not at all,” Kylo said. “Are you going to yell at me like Finn did?”

Poe pulled out a chair and sat down. “To be honest, I didn't know who you were to Rey until Finn started lecturing her about being alone with you. All Rey had ever told me was bad breakup, and she must have sworn Finn to silence, because he didn't ever mention you.”

Kylo sat back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. “I had to hurt her like that. I had to hurt myself like that. I didn't want her waiting for me here when I didn't know if I would ever be back.”

“I know. I mean, she knows. That's how I know.” Poe waved over a waitress and asked for a cup of coffee. “Finn wants me to ban you from the restaurant but I'm not going to do that. You might want to avoid Finn's shifts, however.”

“I don't know how I would do that,” Kylo said. “I don't know his shifts.”

Poe pulled a pen from behind his ear and grabbed a napkin, writing out a few lines. “These are his normal shifts.”

Kylo reached out to take the napkin when Poe offered it to him. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I like your family,” Poe said. “Your parents, your uncle, your grandparents. They're all regulars. And I've heard a lot about you, Kylo, and even though Finn is going to hate it when he finds out, I'm going to give you a chance to prove yourself to me. I know you're not the man who left this town anymore, but the man who came back deserves a chance.”

Kylo nodded as his waitress brought over their drinks. He quickly ordered an omelette and hash browns and then turned back to Poe. “I don't deserve one.”

“Well, I think you do,” Poe said, standing up. “I hope to see you around a lot. I like regulars in my café, and not just for the money.”

Kylo sat there for a moment before looking down at the napkin Poe had given him. On it was a list of shifts, but they weren't Finn's shifts. 

They were Rey's.

He ate his breakfast slowly, staring at the writing on the napkin the whole time. When he found himself back in his car, he flipped through the contacts in his phone until he found the one he'd never deleted, copied into every new phone he'd gotten, every new number. He quickly brought up a message and stared at it, trying to figure out what to say. 

_It's Kylo. Do you mind me texting you?_

He sat there for a few minutes before his phone indicated a response.

_You still have my number?_

_Of course. Why would I have gotten rid of it?_

_Because you got rid of me?_

That stung, hard and deep, but he knew he deserved that pain.

_I had my reasons. I'd like to tell you about them sometime._

_I have to get to my class._

_Ok. Can I text you again later?_

He got no response, so he set the phone down and started the car. He drove around for a few minutes, wondering what to do next, and he was stopped at a light when he heard the ding.

_Yes._

Kylo grinned.


	4. walmart.

“Ben Solo!”

“Kylo Ren.” Kylo sucked in a deep breath and turned around. “Hiya Maz.”

Maz Kanata walked towards him, adjusting her glasses. “Boy, I thought I'd never see you again.”

Kylo set the basket he was holding down and stooped to hug her, fully conscious of the fact that this was happening in the middle of Walmart. “I wasn't sure you would.”

“You went all big time on me,” Maz said as they pulled apart. “I lost my best freelancing bass guitarist. No one else in this town has your talent, boy.”

“Yes, well, all that big time stuff is over now,” Kylo said, picking his basket back up. “Couldn't take anymore of the bullshit.”

Maz just shook her head. “Boy, you should have listened to me when I was telling my horror stories of the music industry. I can imagine it's only gotten worse.”

Kylo just smiled at her. Maz Kanata had been a successful singer and songwriter in the sixties and seventies before the music industry nearly ate her away with its ruthlessness. So she quit the business and moved to Kansas, started up the Takodana Cantina, and opened up her stage every night to artists who wanted to perform for an audience. 

“It wasn't so much the industry as it was my band mates and manager,” Kylo said. “They were hard to take on the best of days, but on the others...I just couldn't take it anymore.”

“Understandable, boy,” Maz said, glancing behind Kylo. “There's my boyfriend.”

Kylo looked behind himself to find one of his father's more eccentric friends standing there. Known to everyone only as Chewie, he had long chestnut brown hair and a signature metal and leather sash that went from his left shoulder to his right hip. Chewie had always been a favorite of his, and Kylo couldn't keep the smile off his face. “Hello Chewie.”

“Kylo,” Chewie said, as if the last time they had spoken wasn't two years and a different name ago. “Maz, you about ready? We've got to get to the Cantina to be there for that delivery.”

“Yes, just give me a moment,” Maz said, turning Kylo's attention back to her. “Listen, you're welcome at the Cantina at anytime, boy. I won't make you play unless you want to, but I will tell you that you could make some nice cash teaching the locals the art of the bass guitar.”

Kylo gave Maz a confused look. “I thought Luke did that.”

“He did,” Maz said, “until you left. Hasn't taught a lesson since. I'll see you around, Kylo Ren.”

Kylo watched Maz and Chewie walk away and turned back to the shelf. It had been a long time since he'd shopped for himself, let alone cooked for himself, so he was taking his time in the store, going aisle to aisle, looking for things that looked both appetizing and easy.

“Oh fucking great.”

Kylo took a deep breath and turned towards the sound of Finn's voice. “Finn.”

Finn walked towards him, anger clear on his face. “I know you're doing this on purpose.”

“Going to Walmart?” Kylo asked, biting back a smile when the anger in Finn's eyes deepened. “Honestly, Finn, I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“You could have gone anywhere in the world,” Finn spit out, bitterness in his voice. “You could have left her alone. But instead you came back here. So I know you're doing this on purpose. You want to hurt her more.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “The last thing in the world I want is to hurt her more. If she tells me to stay away, I'll stay away. But she hasn't done that.”

“Yeah, I heard all about your texting each other last night,” Finn said, shaking his head. “She doesn't use common sense when it comes to you. All she sees is your eyes and your long hair and she remembers. And I was so close to getting her to stop remembering every time a First Order song came on the radio, or whenever she saw any of the members of your family. And now you're here, and all she's doing is remembering.”

“Look, Finn,” Kylo said sharply. “You're trying to protect her and I get that. That's what best friends do. But I swear to you, I did not come back here to cause her more pain or ruin her life or whatever is going through your mind. I came back here because...well, I came back here because this was the last place I was happy. And I've been miserable for so long now that I needed that happiness again. That's why I came here. Because the people who made me happy are all here.”

“And she's one of them.”

“Yes, Rey is one of them. But I never expected anything from her when I got here. I didn't know she worked at that café, I didn't know I was going to be living across the hall from Luke. I don't know where she lives, I don't know what she does when she's not working, I don't know anything about her life now. If she wants to let me in and be a friend, if we can get to that point, then that's going to be so much more than I thought could happen.” Kylo sighed again. “I'm not asking you to stop being angry with me. I deserve every bit of your anger. I know how much I hurt her. But I am going to ask you to let Rey make up her own mind.”

“I think that's a good idea, Finn,” came Rey's voice, and Kylo turned around to see her standing there, a contemplative look on her face. “And I already told you to stop yelling at him.”

“Rey, this is ridiculous,” Finn said. “You know it is.”

“It's my choice,” Rey said, glaring at Finn until he spun around and started walking in the other direction. 

“Whatever. I'll be in electronics.”

Rey took a few steps closer to Kylo and peered into his basket. “When was the last time you cooked for yourself?”

“The last time I cooked dinner for us,” Kylo said honestly. “The place Snoke hooked me up with in New York had a chef. I don't even know what it is I'm buying right now.”

Rey let out a small laugh. “Well, I think you can manage the macaroni and cheese just fine.”

Kylo laughed as well. “It sounded good. Better than any of the fancy dishes the chef ever made me.”

“Do you remember how we used to make mac and cheese with hot dogs and then eat it in front of the television while we watched _Lord of the Rings_?” Rey asked. “I've been wanting to do that so much, but it didn't feel right to do that with Finn.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “Well, consider this an invitation to come over to do that with me then.”

Rey looked into his eyes for a moment before breaking their gaze. “I'm not sure that's a good idea. In fact, I better go get Finn. We're going to be late for work.”

Rey started to walk away, but Kylo couldn't let it just end there. “Rey?”

She stopped and turned around. “What?”

“Finn's right, you know. You shouldn't want to do anything with me. I'll stay away if that's what you want.”

Rey stood there for a moment before slightly shaking her head. “That's not what I want,” she said softly. “I don't know what I want, but I know it's not that.”

Kylo let a smile cross his face. “Okay then.”

“I'll text you when I'm done with work,” Rey said, looking into his eyes again. “Maybe.”

“Then I'll be looking forward to it,” Kylo said. “Maybe.”

Rey stared at him for a moment before spinning around and walking away. Kylo watched her go until she turned around the corner of the aisle, and then turned back to the shelf in front of him. He took a deep breath and glanced down into his basket, taking in the boxes of macaroni and cheese, the only thing he'd found to eat so far. 

Maybe he'd end up splitting one with Rey. Maybe.

Better find the aisle with the hot dogs, just in case.


	5. confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been writing two chapters a day on this, so make sure you haven't missed one! thanks for all the kudos and comments, makes me feel welcome in this fandom and happy to know that you are liking it!

Rey heard the professor call an end to the class and started to pack up her things. She wasn't sure that she would ever fully understand the math that the professor had been teaching, and she silently cursed pre-requisites. She was a British literature major and a world history minor. She had no use for math.

Walking out of the classroom, she found Finn standing there waiting for her. “What is it?”

“What do you mean?” Finn asked as he fell into step next to her.

“I mean you never wait for me outside of one of my classes unless there's a reason, and so just get on with it and tell me already.”

Finn sighed. “You know me too well.”

“Well, that's what best friends do. So, what is it?”

“Poe.”

Rey glanced over at him. “What's wrong with Poe?”

“Nothing's wrong with Poe,” Finn said. “I just, I did something really stupid and I think he's going to fire me over it.”

Rey rolled her eyes. She knew what this was about before Finn said another word, because every once and awhile, Finn would come to her and say that Poe was going to fire him over something really stupid. “You took the leather jacket again, didn't you?”

“I had to!” Finn exclaimed. “I had that date the other night, right? And I had absolutely nothing to wear and I was coming straight from work and I just took the jacket.”

“Just put it back,” Rey said, looking over at him. “And tell Poe you needed it for a date. He'll forgive you as soon as he realizes you actually had a date.”

“Hey!” Finn exclaimed. “I go on lots of dates.”

“The hell you do,” Rey said, laughing. “That's your first date in at least four months.”

“No it was not,” Finn protested. “My last date was with Catherine.”

“And that was four months ago.”

“No it wasn't.”

“Do you want me to go ask Catherine how long ago it was? Because I'm sure she remembers.”

Finn grabbed Rey's arm and stopped her. “No, absolutely not.”

“Then trust me when I tell you it was four months ago,” Rey said, pulling her arm loose. “I don't even know who this date was with.”

“Jessika Pava,” Finn said, excitement in his voice. “I got a date with Jessika Pava. And she wants to go on another one.”

Rey started laughing at Finn's excitement. “How long have I been telling you to ask her out? I knew she would say yes.”

“I know, I know,” Finn said, shaking his head. “But that doesn't matter anymore because I got up the courage to ask her on our way out of physics and it went well.”

Rey started walking again. “So, tell me about this date.”

Finn regaled her with stories from the date, and she believed about seventy-five percent of it. She'd have to ask Jessika for her side of the story and then match them up to get the truth. They reached a point on campus where they had to split up, and Finn called out that he'd see her again after work. 

Rey continued on, and soon found herself in front of Luke's office. She knocked on the door and heard Luke call her in. She walked into the office to find Luke sitting behind his desk with his beloved guitar, R2-D2, and Kylo sitting across from him, smiling widely. “Am I interrupting something?”

Kylo turned to her and Rey forced her eyes away from him when she saw his soften, turning to Luke with some bemusement. Luke hadn't touched that guitar since Kylo had left, and the fact that he was willing to pick it up again showed that some progress had been made between uncle and nephew.

“No, no, come on in,” Luke said, waving for Rey to sit down next to Kylo as he let his fingers dance along the strings, playing an old rock song from the fifties. “Kylo and I were just talking music.”

“I see,” Rey said, sitting down next to Kylo and looking over at him. “How are you today?”

“Better,” Kylo said, smile still on his face. “I feel better today.”

“Good,” Rey said, turning back to Luke. “Can we talk about the assignment?”

“We can talk about the assignment later,” Luke said, smiling at them. “Talk music with us like you used to.”

Rey took a deep breath and gave Luke a serious look. “I'd rather talk about the assignment.”

“Assignment canceled,” Luke said, giving her a serious look back. “Now, talk music with us.”

Rey just shook her head. “You did not just cancel an assignment that the syllabus says is worth fifteen percent of our grade to get me to talk music with you and Kylo.”

“I sure did,” Luke said, still strumming away. “I'll send out an email to the rest of the class.”

Rey stood up and reached for her bag. “This is ridiculous.”

“Rey,” Luke said seriously, stopping his strumming of the guitar. “Come on. Entertain an old man.”

Rey stared at Luke for a few moments before sitting back down. “Only if you don't cancel the assignment.”

“Fine,” Luke said, resuming his random strumming. “Kylo was just telling me that one of the big problems with the band was the fact that Phasma could barely play the guitar.”

“Yeah, I had to lay down all the tracks. She couldn't play at all.”

Rey looked over at him. “So you did all the guitar stuff for First Order?”

“I was the only actual musician in the group. It was just the three of us, and yeah, we had a seasoned drummer play on the tracks and tour with us, but Phasma was awful. Hux did more shouting than singing. I think I was the only one who wanted to take us seriously instead of just churning out pop-rock hits to make money.” Kylo sat back and ran his hands through his hair. “It was really disappointing actually.”

“Bands never live up to what you think they will,” Luke said. “That's why I listened to Maz and stayed the hell away from one.”

“I saw Maz the other day,” Kylo said. “She told me you don't give lessons anymore.”

Luke shrugged. “Got too busy.”

“Bullshit,” Rey said, shaking her head. “You stopped giving lessons because you felt responsible for Kylo leaving town.”

Luke glanced up at her before going back to the guitar. “You don't know what you're talking about.”

“Of course I do,” Rey said. “I know you better than you think. Besides, I overheard you telling Leia that you couldn't look at the guitar without thinking of your guilt.”

“I feel awful that you didn't touch that guitar since I left,” Kylo said. “R2-D2 is like your best friend.”

Luke laughed, long and deep. “R2 is not my best friend. It's a guitar.”

“That speaks to you through the notes,” Rey mentioned. “You always told me that guitar would tell you what it wanted you to play, not the other way around.”

Luke laughed again. “Alright, so maybe R2 is a favorite of mine, but my best friend is Han, okay?”

“Whatever,” Rey said, sitting back in the chair and glancing over at Kylo. “Have you seen them yet?”

“No,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “Luke's enough for now.”

“You're going to run into them at some point,” Rey said. “I'm surprised that they haven't ambushed you. Padmé was so excited about seeing you again when we had lunch the other day.”

Kylo turned to Rey with a confused look on his face. “You had lunch with my grandmother the other day?”

“What did you expect, that just because you left I would stop talking to your family?” Rey asked, a small amount of hurt creeping into her voice. “I don't have any family. Your family became my family. They stayed that way after you left.”

Kylo reached out and took Rey's hand gently. “No, I didn't expect that,” he said. “I just didn't think you'd be having lunch with my grandmother.”

Rey started at Kylo's touch and pulled her hand back. “We have lunch every month to catch up on how things are going with school and work and just life in general. Your grandmother is a wonderful woman who really cares about me, and I've needed that in my life.”

“I'm not saying you didn't,” Kylo said seriously. “I'm just saying I didn't expect it to be happening.”

“Well what did you expect to be happening?” Rey asked, her voice raised. “Did you expect me to be hiding in my room, crying my eyes out at every mention of you? Because that happened for awhile, BEN. I couldn't leave my apartment for fear of running into someone or something that would bring up a memory. Finn and Luke practically pieced me back together to get to this point, and here you come, all handsome and polite and kind and I could just strangle you for it!”

Rey stood up and grabbed her bag, slinging it across her shoulder. “I have to leave.”

“Rey,” Kylo said, standing up as well. “I'm sorry.”

“No, you're not,” Rey said, turning to Luke. “I'll do the damn assignment myself.”

“Rey,” Luke said. “Come over tonight and we'll discuss it.”

“No,” Rey said, shaking her head. “You're too close to him right now.”

She angrily opened the door and stalked out of the office, breaking into a run towards the parking lot. As soon as she was locked in her car, she let her head rest on the steering wheel and the tears that had been threatening to fall since she first saw him again finally did.


	6. famous.

Rey was studiously ignoring the fact that Kylo was sitting three tables away when she first heard the giggles. She looked behind her to see a group of three gorgeous young blondes staring at him, and the possessive instinct that had come with every picture of Kylo with a groupie suddenly rose within her. She took a couple of breaths and forced herself to calm down, taking the pitcher of water in front of her and heading to her section to top people's drinks off.

She had just finished when the girls finally decided to make their move. The giggling increased as they stood up, but the tallest one, who Rey decided must be the leader of the group, walked confidently over to Kylo's table and pulled out a chair without asking.

“You're Kylo Ren right?” she asked, her voice raising in excitement by the end of the question.

Rey glanced over to see Kylo looking at the girls as they all sat down, then sighing and leaning back in his chair. “Yes, I am.”

“Oh my God, you are like our favorite member of First Order!” the one on the left screeched. “Tell us it's not true. Tell us First Order is still together.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm afraid First Order is no more,” Kylo said, glancing over at where Rey was cautiously watching them. “Is there anything I can do for you ladies or are you just trying to enter my personal space?”

Rey bit back a laugh as the blondes tossed their hair. 

“We just want to talk to you,” the one on the right said. “You're so incredibly cool.”

Kylo laughed at that. “I'm really not. I'm quite the nerd.”

The girls all laughed. 

“Sure you are. I can totally imagine you reading books and geeking out,” the lead one said sarcastically.

“You've obviously never seen my copy of _The Hobbit_ ,” Kylo said, making them all laugh again. “In all seriousness, ladies, before I was a member of First Order, I was a professor of medieval literature at Kansas State.”

The girls broke down into hysterical giggles, and Kylo looked over at Rey, sharing a bemused look with her. “What? I'm telling you the truth, ladies.”

“Professor Kylo Ren,” one of them got out between giggles. “Oh my God, you are the funniest guy I've ever met. Cool, sexy, and funny. The three best qualities in a man.”

The leader stopped giggling long enough to get a question out. “So are you seeing anyone?”

Kylo glanced over at Rey before clearing his throat and sitting up straight. “Sorry to disappoint you again, ladies, but my heart belongs to someone special.”

Rey turned away then, walking into the kitchens and through to the back alley. She threw open the door and stepped out into the fresh air, closing her eyes and taking several deep breaths.

“You alright?” came Poe's voice a few minutes later.

“I'm fine,” Rey struggled to say, and suddenly Poe was next to her, his arms winding around her in an embrace. 

“Those girls are obnoxious groupies that he could care less about,” Poe said gently. 

“I don't care.”

“Yes, you do.”

Rey felt the tears stinging her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “I don't know what to do, Poe. I hate him so much but every time I see him I'm reminded of how much I used to love him.”

“Look, I know that I don't know the situation between you two as well as Finn does,” Poe said, running a hand along the top of Rey's back when he heard her sniffle. “And I know I'm not the world's foremost expert on relationships, seeing as I can't seem to date a woman for longer than three months, but I've always gone with the philosophy of following your heart. What does your heart tell you?”

Rey sniffled again, trying to force the tears away. “I don't want to know.”

“I think you do,” Poe said, turning to look at the doorway when one of the bus boys appeared there. “What?”

“There's sort of a situation going on in the dining room,” he said. “There's like a bunch of college kids zeroing in on Kylo Ren or something?”

“I'll take care of it,” Poe said, letting go of Rey. “You stay out here and take all the time you need, okay? I'll cover your tables.”

“Thank you,” Rey said, and Poe made his way back into the restaurant. 

When he walked into the dining room, he saw that it was rapidly filling up with people who clearly weren't there to eat. He forced his way through the crowd to the table Kylo was sitting at, making eye contact with him as he got closer. “Kylo!”

“Poe!” Kylo exclaimed, hoping that Poe was coming to get him out of there.

“I'm ready to talk old high school stuff now, so let's go back to my office.”

There was a collective groan that went around the restaurant as Kylo got up and forced his way around the blondes still sitting at his table. Poe grabbed onto his elbow when he was close enough and led him through the crowd and back into the kitchens. 

As soon as the door to the kitchens closed, Kylo took a deep breath. “Thank you for saving me. That was starting to get really uncomfortable.”

“I think I'm starting to understand how famous you are,” Poe said, glancing out at the dining room through the plastic windows in the door. “I'm going to go clear out my dining room. I don't really have an office, but there's the alley.”

“Rey's out there, isn't she?” Kylo asked, looking over at Poe.

“Yes,” Poe said. “But I think maybe you two talking would be a good idea.”

“I somehow doubt that,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “She hates me.”

“No, she really doesn't,” Poe said. “Go talk to her.”

Kylo watched as Poe made his way into the dining room and turned his attention to the kitchens, where the entire staff was staring at him in pretty much the same way the girls in the dining room had been, so Kylo immediately headed for the alley. Rey may hate him, but she wouldn't look at him like he was a meal ticket or a piece of meat or whatever it was those girls wanted from him. 

Rey was sitting on the steps down to the alley, so he sat down next to her. They were silent for several minutes, and Kylo was sure that the right thing to do was to let Rey speak first. But Rey wasn't talking. 

“I hate you,” Rey finally whispered. “I really do.”

“I deserve it,” Kylo said, swallowing hard.

Rey looked over at him, and Kylo felt like shit as soon as he realized she'd been crying. “I don't know if that can ever change.”

Kylo didn't know how to respond to that, so he just reached up and wiped away a stray tear from Rey's cheek. 

Rey let their eyes connect and she sighed heavily. “I can't do this.”

“I know,” Kylo said. “I never expected you to. I'll stay away, I promise.”

“I don't want that,” Rey said. “I just...I can't do this. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but instead of eggshells, it's pieces of my heart. You shattered me. I knew the band was tempting, and I was going to do whatever it took to support you, even if that meant leaving here and going with you. But then you just...you didn't even give me time to convince you otherwise. You just ended it and left for the airport, leaving me alone in an apartment full of our stuff.”

“I've regretted that since the moment I closed the door to the apartment,” Kylo said softly, moving his hand away from Rey's face. “I've regretted a lot of things since then. But none more than leaving you behind. Leaving us behind. And I can tell you I'm sorry every day for the rest of eternity and it won't be enough. I know that.”

Rey sat there for a moment before standing up. “I think you need to take steps. And I think the first step should be reconciling with your family. And then, maybe, maybe, we can talk again. You hurt them just as much as you hurt me, but they will be a lot more forgiving than I am.”

Rey walked back into the restaurant and left Kylo sitting there, contemplating what she said. He took several deep breaths before pulling out his phone and scrolling through the contacts. His finger hovered over the call button for a few moments before he pressed it and brought the phone up to his ear. He waited for the other end to connect and issue the standard hello before he cleared his throat.

“Mama? It's me. Can I come home?”


	7. homecoming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another two chapter day. make sure you didn't miss one!

Kylo pulled his car into the driveway of his childhood home and took a deep breath. Luke had told him he could do this, and even though Rey hadn't said it, he knew she thought he could do this too. But there was a big difference between a phone call and a face to face meeting, and he wasn't sure he was ready for this. But now he was there, and he wasn't about to leave like some sort of coward. It was his parents, for fuck's sake. 

He got out of the car and made his way along the sidewalk to the door, but before he could ring the doorbell, the door opened. “Ben.”

“Kylo,” he said automatically, tears coming to his eyes. “Ben's gone and he's not coming back.”

“I'm sorry, Kylo, but that may take some getting used to.”

“I understand, Mama,” Kylo said, blinking back the tears. “I really do.”

Leia wanted to reach out to her son, gather him into her arms and never let him go, but the man standing in front of her was not the son she knew. “Would you like to come in?”

Kylo nodded and Leia moved to the side so he could enter the house. After closing the door, she turned to him. “Your father is in the living room. I think there would be a good place to start.”

He nodded again and Leia started walking towards the living room, Kylo trailing behind her. The hallway was decorated with all of the awards and honors that his parents had been given. Former mayor Leia Organa and decorated war pilot Han Solo. His parents ran their household with military precision, had raised him to be respectful and responsible and kind. Basically to be everything that he hadn't been for the last two years, everything that he had essentially murdered the day he got on that airplane to New York.

“Ben.”

His father came into view, a few more lines on his face, his hair a little more gray. Kylo had flashes of playing with toy airplanes and a special model spaceship that they had nicknamed the Millennium Falcon after the name of Han's fighter jet. Chewie had always been fond of that one whenever he came over, asking young Ben questions about how the controls worked and who the copilot was. 

Kylo felt tears coming to his eyes again, and he forced them back, forced the thoughts from his head. Ben was gone, Kylo was in his place, and this was going to be awkward and painful.

And he deserved every bit of it.

“Kylo,” Leia said, walking over to Han. “Our son prefers to go by the name Kylo now. How about we all sit down?”

Leia and Han sat down on the sofa together so Kylo sat down in one of the armchairs. Silence descended upon them, neither side willing to make that first move until finally Han couldn't take it anymore.

“Why?” he practically shouted. “I just want to know why.”

Kylo took a couple of deep breaths before looking over at his parents. “I honestly don't know how to answer that.”

“Oh for fuck's sake,” Han exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. “Leia, I told you this was pointless.”

“Han, calm down and let him speak,” Leia said, gathering Han's hand in hers and clasping it over her knee. “Kylo, take your time.”

“This Kylo business is nonsense,” Han muttered, but a look from Leia made him quiet down. 

Kylo sat there for a moment, then ran a hand through his hair and let out a hollow laugh. “I knew you wouldn't approve.”

“Damn right we didn't approve,” Han said, but Leia shushed him.

“Continue, please,” Leia said, regarding her son with a certain coldness that Kylo was sure was a throwback to her days as mayor. He just never thought it would be directed towards him. But he knew he deserved it.

“It's hard for me to put into words, really,” Kylo said. “I didn't really think too much about you two when I made the decision. All my thoughts were wrapped up with Rey. And I fucked that up so badly that I guess I figured I might as well make the break clean and cut everyone and everything about this town out of my life. And that included the two of you, who I knew would be terribly disappointed in me more than anything.”

“Disappointed is one word for it,” Leia said. “Confused, angry, sad. There are lots of words for what we felt.”

“I could apologize, I really could,” Kylo said. “But I won't.”

“Why the hell not?” Han called out. “We deserve an apology, Benjamin.”

“My name is no longer Benjamin,” Kylo said seriously. “I am Kylo Ren, not Benjamin Solo, and I am sorry that you cannot accept that, Dad, but it's something I had to do.”

Han stared at him for a moment before standing up and leaving the room, ignoring Leia's cries of his name. Leia stayed seated on the sofa, looking over at him. “Kylo, I will be honest with you. I'm not looking for an apology.”

“What are you looking for then?”

“My son,” Leia said, sighing. “I've missed my son. And I don't know if he's still in there or not.”

“I haven't changed that much,” Kylo said. “Have I?”

“I have you sitting here before me, and I just...I don't recognize you,” Leia said. “The all black clothing, the long hair, the hollow look in your eyes. It's like my son is gone and this shell is left in his place.”

Kylo felt the tears spring back to his eyes at her words, and he couldn't stop them from beginning to roll down his cheeks. “You might be right,” he said after a moment. “I don't know who I am anymore. That's part of why I came back here. I was happy here. I was happy once. And I want to be happy again, but I don't know how to repair all the damage I did. Not with you and Dad, or with Luke, or with Grandma and Grandpa, or with Rey. I don't know what to do.”

Kylo put his head in his hands and let the tears fall, let the agonizing, horrific pain that he'd been holding inside wash over him. He deserved all of this. He deserved the fact that his father could barely see him, that his mother was acting like she couldn't care about him anymore. He deserved it all. He'd ruined everything, and he was never going to get it back.

And then a gentle hand caressed the back of his head, and Kylo looked to his left to see his mother on her knees next to him, a soft smile on her face. “Mama?”

“There's my son,” Leia said softly. “There's my Ben.”

“Kylo,” he said automatically.

“I know,” Leia said, running her hand down the back of his head soothingly. “But you'll always be my Ben. Come here.”

Kylo slid out of the chair and into her arms, sobbing against her shoulder. Her arms tightened around him and all he could think about was how he didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve any of this. No amount of remorse or apology would make him deserve this. But there he was, in his mother's arms, and she was no longer the cold mayor. He could feel the warmth and love radiating off her and into him, just like he could when he was a child and he needed soothing. He was in the arms of his mother, something which he thought he'd never ever get to do again.

Eventually he stopped crying, and pulled back to see the look of love on her face. “I don't deserve this.”

“My son,” Leia said, reaching up to wipe away stray tears. “Of course you do.”

“Not after what I did,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “I deserve to be exiled from the family, from my friends, from everyone.”

“Luke doesn't think that,” Leia said. “And I certainly don't think that. Your father will come around eventually.”

“Even if he does, I don't deserve it,” Kylo said. “I don't deserve anything.”

Leia's brow furrowed at his words. “What did that Snoke man do to you? You used to be so confident, and here you are, so unsure of yourself.”

“He was awful,” Kylo said bitterly. “He didn't care about the band, he cared about money. He was so furious with me every time I tried to talk about the direction of the band, or suggest that the songs we were recording weren't the type of songs we should be doing. He thought he knew best when it came to everything, and he drilled into my head that I was only there because he wanted me to be. He could get rid of me at any moment. And that terrified me, because I knew I had nowhere to come back to. And it just built and built and built until I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped and quit.”

“He made you think that you didn't deserve anything,” Leia said carefully. “Kylo, if you don't mind me suggesting it, I think perhaps that a therapist might be able to sort through your thoughts better than I can.”

Kylo reached up and wiped the rest of the tears from his eyes. “I thought about that myself.”

“Then perhaps it's a good idea,” Leia said, smiling at him. “I'll leave that train of thought to you. It's not my place to be making decisions for you anymore. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“I'm not sure Dad would like that,” Kylo said, and Leia just shook her head. 

“There's lots of things your Dad doesn't like,” Leia said, helping Kylo up. “We do them anyway.”

Kylo laughed and followed his mother towards the kitchen.

Well, at least he had won over his mother. He knew the rest, especially his father and grandfather, were going to take some work. But he would work at it, no matter how much it hurt, because Rey wanted him to.

Because he wanted to, he realized with sudden clarity. 

He wanted his family back. He had no idea how to do it. Maybe the therapist was a good idea.


	8. unexpected visitor.

Kylo opened his apartment door and immediately wanted to slam it shut. “Fuck.”

“Nice to see you too, asshole,” came Hux's voice, and he shoved his way past Kylo and into the apartment. “You're lucky Snoke didn't come after you.”

“How did you even know where I was?” Kylo asked, reluctantly shutting the door. “And why the fuck are you here? I told you, I quit.”

“Yeah, I gathered that,” Hux said, sitting down on the sofa. “It was all over twitter that you're in your hometown. Go to a local bar, let some co-ed groupies hang all over me, and I've got your address in a few minutes.”

“Fucking hell,” Kylo said, leaning back up against the door. “They know where I live?”

“Apparently you're living across the hall from some local music legend or something,” Hux said, shaking his head dismissively. “They tried to tell me all about him but I just blanked out for awhile. I don't need to hear about some shitty local musician.”

“That shitty local musician is my uncle,” Kylo said strongly. “And he's a better musician than you.”

Hux just laughed. “I never claimed to be a musician. That was you. Phasma and I were never musicians.”

“Then what the fuck were you in a band for? Why did First Order even exist?”

“Snoke said it would be easy money. Said I had the right look for a lead singer in this market,” Hux said, shrugging. “He found Phasma, told her it didn't matter that she could hardly play, and then he set out to find a right person to complete the trio. And he found Ben Solo, professor of something at Kansas State University, and he somehow convinced you to become Kylo Ren. The thought of you as a professor still makes me laugh, by the way.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “I never should have joined the band.”

“Hey, we had some good fucking times together!” Hux huffed. “We made some trashy music that the teenagers liked, filled our bank accounts with more money than our grandchildren will ever need, and everything was going perfectly fine until you bailed. Snoke wants to kill you right now. So does Phasma. I said I could persuade you, so I was the one who was sent.”

“Sent?”

Hux laughed. “Did you really think Snoke was going to let his meal ticket walk away so easily? I may have been the face, and Phasma may have been the experiment, but you were the musician. You were the one who made our songs great. You are the one who can bring First Order back together.”

Kylo pushed away from the door, walking over to Hux and grabbing him by the elbow. “Absolutely not,” he said as he yanked him up. “Get out.”

“Kylo, hey!” Hux said as Kylo marched him towards the door. “Look, it'll be different, okay? Snoke's agreed to give you creative control over the next album. We'll make one that you'll be proud of. I know that's what you were always after.”

Kylo took a deep breath and dropped his hand from Hux's arm. “Yes, that's what I was always after. No, I'm not going back.”

“Kylo.”

“There is something greater in life than that fucking band,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “And I had it before I left. I'm trying to repair the damage now, but it's not working and it never will.”

Hux stared at him for a moment. “Is this about the girl?”

“Don't you fucking say a thing about her,” Kylo growled.

“Kylo, no girl is worth giving up everything for.”

“No band is worth giving up her for,” Kylo said, sighing. “And yet that's exactly what I did. She hates me now.”

Hux stared at Kylo for a moment. “So she hates you. Big deal. Find another.”

“That might work with musicians,” Kylo said. “It does not work that way with the love of your life.”

“Love of your life,” Hux said, amused. “Oh this girl's got you on a fucking leash, doesn't she?”

“Out,” Kylo ordered, opening up the door. “Get out.”

Hux just stood there. “If you kick me out, I'm calling Snoke and having him come here.”

“The fuck you are.”

“Wanna tempt me?” Hux asked, laughing when Kylo just stood there. “See, you're a smart boy. You know better than to want to deal with Snoke.”

The door across the hall opened and Luke stuck his head out. “Kylo!”

“Luke,” Kylo said. “What can I do for you?”

“Is that General Hux?” Luke asked, the door fully opening and he walked across the hall. “Hey, it is! Nice to meet you. Kylo, you didn't tell me you still spoke to the other members of the band.”

“That's because I don't,” Kylo said as Luke held out his hand to Hux. “I was trying to get Hux to leave.”

“Leave? Ridiculous,” Luke said as Hux shook his hand. “We should all go out to lunch. Tell me band stories. Anything to get me out of reading these horrible essays from the freshmen.”

Hux looked over at Kylo before laughing. “So the uncle is a professor too? What did you want when you were a kid, to be exactly like him?”

Kylo glared at Hux before turning to Luke. “I don't think lunch is a good idea.”

“Fuck off, lunch is a great idea,” Hux said, walking out into the hall next to Luke. “Grab your stuff, man. Let's go.”

Luke looked over at Kylo as Hux wandered towards the elevator. “I know you hate him,” he whispered. “But trust me, the only way he's going to leave is if you're nice to him.”

“And why do you think that?” Kylo asked, reaching for his keys.

“Because I listened to Old Ben a lot,” Luke said. “And when someone tells me something about a band, and that someone is Old Ben Kenobi, you better believe I believe it.”

Kylo sucked in a deep breath. “We are not telling him we know Obi-Wan Kenobi. He'll really never leave.”

“Deal,” Luke said, jogging back across the hall. “Meet you downstairs.”

Kylo shut his door and locked it, heading towards the elevator where Hux was standing. “So, lunch. There's a bunch of different places we can go.”

“Starfighter,” Hux said immediately. “It came highly recommended from the blonde that shared my bed last night.”

Kylo resisted the urge to cringe. “It's really nothing special.”

“Bullshit,” Hux said as the elevator arrived. “We're going there.”

Kylo walked into the elevator and closed his eyes briefly, willing himself the strength to get through this. At least it wasn't time for one of Rey's shifts. “Fine.”

They met Luke downstairs and then headed out to his car and to Starfighter. The moment they walked into the café, Kylo's eyes landed on where Rey was taking an order at a table right in front of them. 

“Someone will be right with you,” she called out.

“Can we just sit ourselves, Rey?” Luke asked, and Rey turned around to look at them.

“Sur—” The word died on her lips when she saw who Luke was with. She quickly cleared her throat. “Sure, Luke. Poe won't mind.”

Luke gave her a big smile and started walking towards a table in the back, Hux following along. But Kylo stayed there, his eyes locked with Rey's. It wasn't until Hux yelled out his name that Kylo started walking towards the table. 

He hadn't seen her since their conversation on the alley steps two weeks ago. Somehow, and he still didn't know how, she managed to be more beautiful every time he saw her. 

Kylo sat down in a chair next to Luke and shifted around so he had a view of the entire restaurant. Luke and Hux talked back and forth, Kylo resisting the urge to snort when Hux said he'd heard all about how great a musician Luke was when he was at Takodana Cantina the night before. He didn't care to indulge in the conversation, but Luke threatened to start telling stories from his childhood, so Kylo joined in to prevent that. 

Hux had enough blackmail on him as it was. 

They ordered food and Hux started regaling Luke with stories from the tours the band had gone on, Kylo correcting things as Hux exaggerated them. They were almost finished with their meal when Rey approached the table. 

“Hey Kylo? Poe wants to talk to you in the back.”

Kylo nodded and stood up. “Be right back.”

Luke and Hux turned back to their conversation as Kylo and Rey walked away, heading into the kitchens and out into the alley. Kylo looked around for Poe but didn't see him, and he gave Rey a confused look. “Where's Poe?”

“He's not here,” Rey said, looking over at him. “I heard from Leia.”

Oh. Kylo swallowed hard. “I tried.”

“You're trying,” Rey corrected. 

“Trying, right,” Kylo said, sitting down on the steps. “The only thing I seem to be capable of is making my father mutter under his breath about how angry he is and making my mother constantly shush him.”

“You knew it was going to take time with Han,” Rey said, coming to sit next to him. “But Leia, she's forgiven you, and that's a good step.”

“She shouldn't have.”

“Have you talked with a therapist yet?”

Kylo sighed heavily. “Does my mother tell you everything?”

“She mentioned it, is all,” Rey said, pulling out her order book and scribbling something on a blank page. “Look, I know you probably won't do it, but this is my therapist's name and number. He's a good listener, and he's good at helping you sort your thoughts and feelings out.”

Rey pulled the page loose and handed it to Kylo. “Just think about it, okay?”

Rey stood up and headed back inside, so Kylo followed her, making his way back to the table. It wasn't until he was sitting there and Rey was headed out the door at the end of her shift that he looked at what she had written.

BB-8? Her therapist's name was BB-8?

Hux excused himself to go chat with the attractive blondes who kept pointing at their table, and Kylo turned to Luke. “BB-8?”

Luke glanced over at the paper and nodded. “Brian Brownstone the Eighth. No one calls him Brian. Everyone, and I mean everyone, calls him BB-8. He'll be good for you.”

“Does the whole family think I need therapy?” Kylo asked, exasperated.

“Everyone needs therapy now and then,” Luke said, glancing at his watch. “I've got to get back to my essays. Want a lift home, or are you going to go pick up a blonde like Hux is doing?”

Kylo laughed. “What do you think?”

“I think I'm giving you a ride home,” Luke said, smiling. “Hurry. If we leave now, we can stick that arrogant son of bitch with the bill too.”


	9. cantina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for all the comments and kudos. i'm seriously overwhelmed at the response this is getting.

Poe walked over to the table he was sharing with Rey, setting their drinks down before sliding Rey's across the table at her. “So what did I miss?”

“Finn clearly said something that was either amusing or Jessika thought that she should fake laugh at. I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not given how loud it is in here.” Rey picked up her drink and sipped from the straw. “She looks pretty tonight.”

“He stole my leather jacket again.” Poe took a long sip from his beer. “Of course, I always let him get away with it, so why I'm surprised, I don't know.”

“Honestly, if I had any money to spare, I'd buy him his own leather jacket,” Rey said. “You know he loves that thing.”

“Looks better on him than it does on me,” Poe said, laughing. “Maybe I should just give it to him.”

Rey laughed and looked over at him. “And lose the amusement of Finn's apologies every time he steals it from you?”

Poe laughed again. “Good point.”

Rey set her drink down and let her eyes scan the room. Maz was near the stage, clearly enjoying the indie rock band that was playing even though it seemed no one else in the Cantina was. Chewie was behind the bar, laughing at something that Luke had said, and the fact that Luke was in the Cantina threw her for a moment until she remembered she probably had Kylo to thank for that, so she quickly moved on. The rest of the room was starting to fill up with the usual crowd, Kansas State co-eds on dates or just looking to get drunk. Some of the older crowd was already there, and Rey knew they were there to support Maz and the music, because the music always got better the later it was at night.

And then her eyes landed on the entrance, and she nearly knocked her drink over. Kylo was there, but Hux was standing next to him, and Rey let the anger she'd felt at seeing the two of them together earlier that day wash through her. There was only one reason why General Hux of First Order would be in Manhattan, Kansas, and that was because Kylo was giving up and going back to the band.

He'd come back, dragged up every single one of the feelings she'd almost had repressed, and now he was skipping town again, just like he said he wasn't going to do.

Well, fuck him.

Rey grabbed her drink and took the straw out, tossing it onto the table as she brought the glass to her lips. Poe gave her a strange look but Rey just turned her attention back to where Finn's date with Jessika was going on, unwilling to put voice to why she was suddenly seething with anger.

Poe glanced around the room until he heard the shrieks from some of the girls near the entrance, and that's when he saw Kylo and the guy he was pretty sure was the lead singer of First Order making their way into the room. “Is that General Hux?”

“Finn just almost spilled his drink into her lap,” Rey said dismissively, refusing to answer his question, which totally answered Poe's question. 

“What on earth is General Hux doing in Manhattan?” Poe asked, watching as they made their way through the room and into a dark corner across from them. “God, Maz is going to freak out if the girls in here ruin open mic night.”

“Maz won't care because she loves Ben,” Rey said angrily, slamming her now empty glass down on the table. “Will you go get me another?”

Poe stared at her for a moment before reaching for her empty glass and standing up, making his way to the bar. He squeezed in between the crowd next to Luke, nodding at Chewie. “Rey wants another.”

“You just got her drink,” Luke said. “She drank it already? She never has more than one drink.”

“Well, she usually isn't staring across the room at Kylo Ren and General Hux either,” Poe said, nodding in the direction of where the two former band mates sat. “I hear you had lunch with the two of them at the café today.”

“Hux is still here?” Luke asked, turning to look over at where the man was seated with his nephew. “I thought for sure that he'd skip town after we ditched him at the restaurant.”

“Well, apparently you thought wrong,” Poe said, sighing. “And when I thought we were going to have a Kylo-free evening too. We just came here to laugh at Finn on his date.”

“Yeah, I heard you were going to do that,” Luke said. “Rey was really looking forward to that. This must have been Hux's idea. Kylo told me yesterday that he told Maz he wasn't ready to come back to the Cantina yet.”

“Why didn't Kylo just tell that guy to fuck off?” Chewie asked as he brought Poe a fresh drink for Rey. “He told Maz that he hated his former band mates.”

“He did,” Luke said, turning his attention back to Chewie. “I told him to be nice to the guy because it would make him leave sooner.”

“Why the fuck did you do that?” Chewie asked, sighing when a fight broke out at the other end of the bar. “Tell me later.”

Luke watched as Chewie walked to the other end of the bar. “Old Ben always told me the way to get rid of pesky former band mates was to kill them with kindness until they remembered why they hated you and left. And if Old Ben says it, it's the truth.”

Poe didn't argue with him. Those he associated with now called him Old Ben, but the world still knew him as Obi-Wan Kenobi, the lead singer and lead guitarist from no less than four hit bands, but most well known from his time with The Jedi Order. If First Order were one of the biggest bands in the world now, Poe didn't even want to know how famous Old Ben must have been in his day, because The Jedi Order was the biggest band ever. They'd only spent a short number of years together, but even though it was nearly fifty years later, every single respected music journalist and publication was still in agreement that their music was better than anyone else's ever had been. Getting Old Ben to talk about The Jedi Order was rare, and Poe thought a lot of that had to be down to the early death of Obi-Wan's best friend and fellow Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn just months after the band split in 1968, but Poe had been lucky enough to have been there once when Maz and Old Ben came into the café to catch up and started swapping stories of the old days. If anyone could get Old Ben to talk about the Jedi, it was Maz. 

“I'll take your word on it then,” Poe said, grabbing the drink. “I better get this back to Rey.”

“Hey,” Luke said as Poe started to walk away. “Look after her tonight, will you? I'm worried.”

“Of course,” Poe said, heading back to the table. He set the new drink in front of her and followed her gaze to where four young brunettes had joined Kylo and Hux, and he sighed. “Rey.”

Rey started. “What?” she asked, turning towards Poe. “Oh, new drink, thanks.”

Poe watched as she took the straw out of that one too, and he reached up to stop her before she could bring the glass to her lips. “Don't do something stupid just because he's here.”

“I'm not,” Rey said, shaking Poe's hand from her arm. “I don't even know what you're talking about. Finn and Jessika are making out, by the way.”

Poe sighed and reached for his beer, letting his gaze fall back on their friend. “How did Finn get a girl that good looking?”

“I have no idea,” Rey said seriously, setting her drink back down on the table. “But Jessika's been interested in him since freshman year of high school, so...he just took a really long time to get around to asking her out. He'll never admit that though. Just like how he'll never admit that Captain Phasma is his favorite member of First Order.”

Poe nearly spit out his beer at that. “What?!”

“Oh yeah, he finds the whole helmet thing sexy,” Rey said, laughing. “We both agree that General Hux is an asshole, and as for Kylo, well...it's Kylo. It's mutual hatred.”

Poe stopped himself from saying it really wasn't, because Rey's eyes were on Kylo again. “You want to dance tonight?” he asked instead.

Rey looked over at him for a moment before grinning. “Yeah. Totally. Just, let's wait for some better music, alright?”

“Totally,” Poe agreed, looking over at the stage. “I heard Death Star is supposed to be playing tonight.”

“Oh, Death Star, really?” 

Rey turned her eyes towards Poe at the same moment that Kylo's eyes landed on Rey from across the room, and it took all of his self-control not to reach over and punch Hux out then and there. Rey hadn't said it earlier, but he could tell that she had been really, really, really surprised to see Hux, and he'd only agreed to come to the Cantina because he was certain Rey wouldn't be there.

But there she was, laughing with Poe across the room, and he was stuck there watching her. He knew he couldn't approach her now, because Hux would catch on that she was the girl he'd always talked about. Hux might not be able to sing, but the man could definitely read body language, and Kylo knew he had no self-control when it came to his when he was around her. 

He was just about to offer to go buy everyone drinks when a tray full of them was set on the table, and Kylo wondered when on earth Hux had ordered them because he had no memory of it. But Hux definitely had a memory, because right in the middle of the tray was Kylo's favorite kind of super, super, super expensive bourbon, a single shot glass dangling around the top. He didn't even know why Maz had this kind of expensive as fuck bourbon stocked. He was pretty sure no one in Manhattan, let alone Kansas, had ever heard of it.

But then again, having it was such a Maz thing to do that Kylo couldn't help but smile as he reached for it.

“Can I have some of that?” the dumb girl to his right said, and Kylo went to answer her when Hux cut him off.

“No, that's just for Kylo.”

“Fuck off,” Kylo said, taking the glass off the top and smiling at her. “She can have all she wants.”

The more he didn't have to drink, the better.

“Kylo Ren!” 

Three glasses of bourbon and a name - “it's Kimberley,” the girl had giggled out – later, Kylo looked up to see Maz wandering towards the table. He worried for a moment about Hux recognizing her, but then he realized that Hux was so uncultured that he had probably never been cultured enough to look at a Maz Kanata song, let alone listen to one, so he just lifted his glass. “Hiya Maz!”

Maz just shook her head as she reached the table and looked at the girls, but then her gaze focused in on him. “What do I have to do to get you to play with Luke tonight, boy?”

Luke? Luke was there? This was getting worse by the second. “Luke's getting on stage?”

“First time in two years,” Maz said, smiling. “I can't believe I convinced him. He brought R2 and everything. He's going to close the night, and you're going on stage with him.”

Kylo shook his head firmly. “Nope. No way. Sorry Maz.”

“Wait, you know Luke Skywalker?” one of the other girls asked. “Oh my God, seeing you and Luke playing together would be so amazing!”

Kylo stared at her for a moment before he determined she wasn't old enough to have ever seen Luke play, let alone them play together. “Don't you have an essay to write for Professor Skywalker instead?”

The girls all started laughing and Kylo turned his gaze back to Maz, who was staring at him expectantly. “Well, boy?”

“Maz, you know I can't.”

“Does he know any First Order songs?” Hux asked. “Maybe both of us can join him.”

Maz shifted her gaze over to Hux, adjusting her glasses for a moment. “I know exactly who you are. General Hux of First Order. You're not talented enough to take my stage.”

The girls fell silent and Hux stared at Maz for a moment before breaking out into drunken laughter. “Who is this bitch? She's fucking hysterical.”

Maz's gaze whipped back around to Kylo, and Kylo reached out and smacked Hux on the back of the head, taking joy in hearing his teeth clink into his glass. “Never call her a bitch again. Maz, can I talk to you alone?”

Hux just laughed again, and Maz rolled her eyes. “Office, boy.”

Kylo got up, handing his half empty glass to Kimberley or Amberley or whatever she'd said her name was, and followed Maz to the office. When they were inside and the door was closed, Kylo collapsed onto the worn sofa that Maz kept in there. “I'm sorry about Hux, Maz. He's an asshole.”

“Why's he in my Cantina?” Maz asked, sitting down behind her desk.

“Because I'm trying to get him to leave town,” Kylo said. “Luke told me to be nice to him, that it would make him leave faster. Something about something Old Ben told him.”

“Yeah, that sounds like something Old Ben would say,” Maz said, sighing heavily. “He was here last night too. You're right about him, boy. He is an asshole. How did you ever work with him?”

“I have no idea,” Kylo said, running a hand through his hair. “I really can't get on stage with Luke tonight, Maz.”

“Is that because she's here?” Kylo's head snapped to where Maz was sitting, and she just waved a hand in his direction. “Just because I'm old doesn't mean I don't notice things. Besides, Chewie and Luke are worried sick about her.”

Kylo's eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Because she has obviously noticed you're here,” Maz said. “She's on her second drink.”

“Her second drink?” Kylo slumped down on the sofa. “Now I'm driving Rey to drink? Great.”

“She's with Dameron,” Maz said. “He'll look after her.”

“Poe?” Maz nodded. “Good. He seems like a good guy.”

“One of the best,” Maz said, sighing. “So is it because of the girl or not?”

“No,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “I'm just not ready to be back on a stage, Maz. I only just left all of that behind.”

“Shame, boy,” Maz said. “Luke is looking forward to you two playing together again. Told me so himself.”

“Someday,” Kylo promised. “When this First Order shit has died down and Hux has left town and after we play together again in private. We haven't even done that.”

“I'm going to hold you to that, you know?”

Kylo laughed. “I know, Maz. Trust me.”

“How's the bourbon?”

Kylo looked over at her. “How did you know to have that bourbon?”

“A woman sees things in pictures, thinks maybe someday the mercurial boy will come home and might want his favorite drink,” Maz said, grinning at him. “To be honest, it's one of Old Ben's favorites. Saw you with a bottle of it in your hand in one of those magazines in a waiting room once. Have had a bottle in stock for each of you ever since.”

“You didn't know I was ever coming back here,” Kylo said after a moment.

“Your family and your girl weren't the only ones who missed you, you know,” Maz said softly. “I even consented to having the music, if you can call it music, that that shitty band of yours made playing in here, just to hear your beautiful playing. And don't think that I couldn't tell that you were playing both guitar and bass on those songs, boy. I could tell that Phasma woman couldn't play a lick from the first video your father showed me.”

Kylo blinked. “My father?”

“Oh yes, boy. He was quite proud of you. Quite angry with you, but quite proud of you.”

Kylo swallowed hard and felt his eyes sting with tears. “He's...”

“I know,” Maz said. “He'll come around. Han's an old son of a bitch, but he's still your father. He'll remember that before long.”

Kylo blinked back the tears and stood up. “I shouldn't leave Hux out there alone.”

“Don't think I don't know what this switch of conversation is all about, boy,” Maz warned. “But you probably shouldn't.”

Kylo nodded. “I'll see you around, Maz.”

Maz just waved him away and Kylo walked out of her office and back out into the Cantina. He was headed back to the table when he spotted Hux on the dance floor, and he had to do a double take when he saw who he was dancing with.

Rey.

He froze, his eyes fixed on where Hux was entirely too close to her, touching her in places, hell, touching her at all. The busy Cantina faded away until all he could see was Rey, her head thrown back laughing, and that lousy motherfucker. He stayed there for the rest of that song and the whole of the next, only breaking his gaze when someone bumped into him.

“Kylo!” 

Kylo blinked and looked to his right, seeing Poe approaching him. “You were supposed to be taking care of her.”

“You know how she is when she puts her mind to something,” Poe said. “She went over there and asked Hux to dance, no matter how much I tried to persuade her to come back to the table. Does he know who she is?”

“No,” Kylo said, balling his fists when he realized his hands were shaking in anger. “Get her away from him.”

“Shouldn't you...”

Poe's voice drifted away as Kylo spun around and headed straight towards the bar. He zeroed in on an empty seat and slid into it, quickly ordering a Jack and coke from the bartender. The bartender handed him the drink a few moments later, and he knocked it straight back before asking for another.

Then he heard a familiar laugh next to him, and turned to his right. His eyes blinked once, twice, three times, before the hand clasped down on his shoulder, pulling him into a hug.

“Ben.”

The sound of his old name on that weathered voice made the tears come back to his eyes, and as he buried his face in the man's neck, he let them fall.

“Hi Grandpa.”


	10. grandfather.

When he was a child, Kylo had wanted to grow up to be exactly like his grandfather. He idolized his grandfather in ways that made his parents uncomfortable, but he didn't care. Anakin Skywalker was a legend, and if you didn't aspire to be a legend, then what was the point of life? He even had the coolest pen name ever – Darth Vader.

As a quiet, awkward teenager at Manhattan High School, Kylo had avoided social cliques and student clubs and lost himself in the literature his legendary grandfather wrote. The characters and situations that Anakin wrote were so rich and complex and interesting that he could hardly put the books down. It was Anakin's placement of a story in medieval France that had made Kylo first seek out the medieval literature that would become his passion, driving himself to make everyone in his family proud, first by graduating from Kansas State and then by working there.

And then he'd abruptly left town to go join that fucking band, and he'd ruined everything.

“Ben,” Anakin whispered, holding his grandson tight.

“Kylo,” he murmured. “My name is Kylo.”

Anakin pulled back and looked him in the eye, and Kylo wanted to wither from that gaze. “Yes, I've heard all about Kylo. I must say, I don't like him very much.”

Kylo swallowed hard and turned back to the bar, blinking away the tears that were threatening again. When had he become such a crier? “I'm not sure I do either.”

Anakin settled back into facing the bar and reached for his drink. “Well, that's one thing we won't argue about at least. You know your grandmother is very upset you've been back in town for nearly two months and haven't come over yet.”

“I need time.”

“You've had two years.”

“That wasn't what I meant.”

“Well, it's what I meant,” Anakin said, taking a long sip from his glass. “Luke told me you wouldn't be here tonight.”

“I wasn't planning on it,” Kylo said, glancing over at him. “Hux is here, and it's turning into a disaster.”

“Who is Hux?” Anakin asked, looking over at Kylo. “I don't know anything about your band or your friends or your life now, Ben. Your grandmother followed your every move with great detail. I ignored it completely.”

The words stung Kylo deep, but he knew he deserved them. He knew his grandfather would be the most upset of the entire family, because it was his grandfather's approval that he had worked so hard to get. And once he finally got it, he tossed it away like it meant nothing to him. His grandfather had every right to want to ignore his grandson's existence. 

“Never mind then,” Kylo said, picking up his drink and knocking it back. “I don't want to bother you with information you obviously don't want.”

Kylo started to get up, and Anakin's hand instantly reached out and grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him back down into the chair. “I'm not done with you yet, Benjamin.”

Kylo sighed heavily at the use of his former name and sat back down in the chair, motioning to the bartender that he'd like another drink. “Alright.”

“Do you know how many characterizations of you have gone into my books in the last two years?” Anakin said after a minute. “Because there's been a lot. Many in the same book. I had to resist the urge to kill them all off, seeing as you killed my grandson.”

“I picked up on some of them,” Kylo said. “I never did stop reading your books.”

Anakin sighed and took another sip from his drink. “I need time. Time to adjust to Kylo. And I don't care if you want to give it to me or not. You're going to.”

Kylo nodded. “I understand.”

“But you are not going to avoid your grandmother anymore. She is desperate to see you, and when I tell her about this, she's going to be even more desperate. You're lucky she hasn't ambushed you at your apartment yet.”

Kylo nodded again. “I'll come over to see her soon.”

“Tomorrow,” Anakin said, looking over at him.

“I don't know if I can do that,” Kylo said. “Hux...let's just say it's probably going to be a few days before he leaves town. Then I can go see Grandma. I'm sure as hell not taking Hux over there to meet her. He's an asshole.”

Anakin stared at him for a moment and Kylo felt like a five-year-old child waiting for his grandfather to scold him. “Well, I certainly don't want your grandmother being exposed to any of your friends, so that is allowable.”

“Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life?” Kylo suddenly asked. “Cold, imposing Grandpa Ani instead of the one I remember?”

“Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life?” Anakin countered. “Kylo Ren instead of my grandson?”

Kylo swallowed hard. “I'm sorry, but Ben is gone and he's not coming back.”

Anakin reached over and wrapped his arm around Kylo's shoulders, leaning in close. “I don't want it to be this way,” he said quietly. “I want my grandson back. If Kylo Ren is what's left of my grandson, then I will learn to adjust. But you need to realize that you need to adjust too. You can't be the complete dick that you've been for the last two years and expect to have the support of your family. And you certainly can't expect to be able to fix things with Rey.”

“Things with Rey are irreparable.”

Anakin just shook his head. “No, Ben. They're not.”

Kylo sat there for a moment as Anakin finished off his drink. “I'm glad you all were there for her. She needed a family and I'm glad that you gave her one.”

“You need a family too,” Anakin said, setting his drink down and reaching for his wallet. “It's about time you remembered that you have one. I'll tell your grandmother hello for you. Padmé really is so excited to see you again.”

“So she's not here tonight?”

“No, Padmé doesn't come to the Cantina much anymore. The only reason she came before was to hear you and Luke play,” Anakin said, standing up. “Now, I'm going to go find my son. I look forward to seeing you again, Kylo.”

Anakin walked away and Kylo sat there, his eyes closed as he replayed the sound of his new name on his grandfather's weathered voice. He knew he had a lot of work to do to repair their relationship, but the fact that Anakin had used his new name told him that the first step had been taken.

“Kylo!” came Hux's voice, and he slid into the chair that Anakin had vacated. “I wondered where the hell you'd gone off to.”

Kylo was suddenly filled with the rage that he'd felt seeing Rey in Hux's arms, and he took a few deep breaths before turning to face him. “Find anyone interesting tonight?”

“There was this one girl I danced with, never got her name,” Hux said. “She disappeared after the dancing, but I remember her from the café this morning. The three buns that she did her hair up in.”

Kylo wanted to murder Hux then and there. “Oh really?”

“Yeah,” Hux said, a vicious smile crossing his face. “Shame she left. She was the one I wanted to take home tonight.”

Kylo couldn't take it anymore, and he'd thrown the right hook at Hux before he even knew what he was doing. Hux was knocked back into the person next to him, and he reached up to touch his jaw before setting his eyes on Kylo. 

“What the fuck, man?”

“Never, ever, talk to her again,” Kylo said, as serious as he had ever heard his voice. “She is not someone for you to toy with.”

Hux's eyes narrowed. “Who the fuck do you think you are, telling me what I can and cannot do? You're the asshole who's just ruined my life by quitting the biggest fucking band in the world.”

“If you don't listen to me, I'm going to do a hell of a lot more to you than just a punch,” Kylo said, standing up and kicking his chair back. “I never want to see you again, got it?”

He walked away before Hux could say another word. Luke and Anakin were peering at him questioningly from the end of the bar, but Kylo ignored them both, heading straight for the exit. He was in his car and on the way home before he could think about it, and he drove without much thought as well, automatically turning where he needed to. 

As soon as he was back at his apartment, he closed the door and locked it, then bolted it from the inside so Hux couldn't get in if he tried. He went into his kitchen, grabbed a bottle of whiskey from a cabinet, and then headed to his sofa. Once he was seated, he tore the cap off the bottle and brought it straight to his mouth, letting the alcohol burn his throat as it washed down. 

After several long sips, he set the bottle to the side and reached for his phone. The new message screen was brought up quickly enough, and he typed out what he wanted to say and sent it before he could decide that it was a bad idea.

_You succeeded in making me jealous, if that was your goal. I don't know why you did it, but know this. Hux is an asshole, I hate him, and I can't wait till he leaves and never comes back._

Kylo laid back and brought the bottle to his lips again, drinking long sip after long sip until the bottle was half gone. A good twenty minutes had passed, and Kylo was certain that Rey wasn't going to reply, but then his phone beeped, indicating a new message. He lunged for it, knocking the bottle down to the floor in the process, and he ignored the shattered glass as he clicked through to the message.

_So you're not going back to the band then?_

It wasn't the response that he'd been expecting, but Kylo suddenly realized that it was exactly what Rey had been thinking. She thought Hux was there because Kylo was giving up and going back to the band.

_No. I'm never, ever, going back to that band. I swear._

The new message came quickly this time, and it made Kylo laugh. 

_Finn says you owe him a date with Jessika Pava because you ruined it tonight._

_How did I ruin Finn's date?_

_Because Finn saw me with Hux and went ballistic, and Jessika was not very happy about the interruption._

Kylo just shook his head. _Tell Finn I'll pay for him and Jessika to go out to any restaurant in town. Just name the date and place, and I'll take care of the rest._

_Finn says he still hates you._

_I wouldn't have it any other way._

When he got the next message, Kylo could tell Rey's tone had changed. _Don't say things like that. It's like you don't think you deserve to be happy._

_I don't._

The next message took a few minutes, but when it came, it put a huge smile on his face. _Lord of the Rings. Saturday night at your place. Mac and cheese and hot dogs in front of the tv. I'll bring the Call Hall ice cream. See you at seven._

 _I'm looking forward to it._

Kylo knew that Rey wouldn't respond, so he set the phone on the coffee table and looked down at the shattered glass. Sighing heavily, he made his way back towards the kitchen to find the broom that he'd bought the other day. But there was still a smile on his face, and he didn't think it was going to go away any time soon.

He had a date with Rey. Maybe. He wasn't entirely certain that it was going to classify as an actual date, but whatever it was, it was progress.


	11. saturday night.

This was not how Kylo pictured Saturday night going.

Rey had arrived promptly at seven, Call Hall ice cream in a bag in her hand. But the ice cream wasn't all that she had brought. Finn stood next to her, glaring at him, and then Luke opened the door behind them before he could say a word, and Rey immediately invited him over to watch the movies too. Kylo wanted to immediately say no, but he bit his tongue because Rey gave him one of those smiles that he thought he'd never see directed at him again, and so he had told Luke he was more than welcome.

Anything to keep that smile on her face.

So there he sat, on his sofa next to Luke while Rey and Finn sat on the floor. Everyone was engrossed in the movies except him, and Kylo hated that because _Lord of the Rings_ was, in his opinion, the best book ever written and the movies were his absolute favorite movie trilogy ever. He stared absently at the screen for a few more minutes before he stood up, ignoring everyone's looks of surprise, and walked out of the room. The apartment didn't have a balcony like his one in New York had, so he headed to his bedroom instead, collapsing down onto it and staring up at the ceiling. 

He laid there and laid there, wondering what in the hell was wrong with him. He had to have known that Rey wouldn't want to be alone with him. Hell, he didn't want to be alone with him, but he didn't have a choice about it. He glanced over at the bedside table where the note Rey had written about her therapist was still sitting, and he sighed heavily. He still hadn't called the number she'd neatly written, but he decided then and there that he would call first thing Monday morning. 

If he couldn't stand his own company, how could he ever expect anyone else to?

The sound of his phone ringing interrupted his thoughts, and he fished it from his pocket before answering. “Hello?”

“You actually grew up in this town? That's really rather hysterical.”

Kylo closed his eyes and slammed his free hand down against the bed. “What the fuck are you still doing here, Hux?”

“I told you I'm not leaving until you come back to the band,” Hux said, laughing. “Did you really not understand that?”

"I told you I quit, did you really not understand that?"

“You can't just quit, Kylo,” Hux said, suddenly very serious. “We're the biggest band in the world. We can do practically anything and anyone we want. Why the fuck would you give it all up just to come back to this fucking useless place?”

“I can do whatever the hell I want,” Kylo said angrily. “I don't care that we were the biggest band in the world. I was miserable, Hux. I hated it. You know that. So yes, I am giving it all up to come back here. No, I don't care if you understand that or not. I just want you out of my hometown and out of my life. And you can tell the same to Snoke and Phasma, because if they show up here, I will not be as nice to them as I have been to you.”

Hux laughed. “You call punching me in the face nice?”

“I didn't break anything, did I? Then yes, that was nice.”

Hux laughed some more. “You're so charming, you know that?”

“Get the fuck out of my town. Now.”

“You're really serious, aren't you?” Hux asked. “You really are quitting the band.”

Kylo brought his free hand up to run over his face. “Yes, I am serious. I'm done with the band, I'm done with the music industry, and I'm done with all of you. I want all of it out of my life. I want my old life back.”

“You can never get your old life back, Kylo.”

“I know that,” Kylo murmured. “But I want to get it as close to back as I can.”

Hux was silent for a moment. “The girl I danced with, the one with the three buns in her hair, she's your girl, right? That's the only explanation I've come up with for why you reacted like that. You usually don't give a fuck about who I want to take home.”

“She was my girl, yes,” Kylo said, sighing. “But she's not anymore. And I'm pretty sure she's never going to be again.”

“She's a looker, I'll tell you that much,” Hux said. “I still think you're crazy though. You could have a gorgeous model and you want to settle for her.”

“There's no settling for Rey,” Kylo said firmly. “She's the best person I've ever met, let alone loved. I hate myself for the pain I've caused her.”

Hux yawned. “Boring.”

“Well, you go back to New York and fuck your way through all the models you want, okay?” Kylo snapped. “I don't want anyone but her. I never have.”

“No wonder you got such a reputation for being a sexless monk,” Hux laughed. “You were saving yourself for her.”

“I'd rather be a sexless monk for the rest of my life than do something that I know I'll regret.”

“So you don't regret the fact that you haven't had sex in two years?”

“No, I don't.”

“You are fucking insane,” Hux said. “But, I'm getting your point. So, I've got one more question for you. You mind if Phasma and I get Snoke to find us another musician? Someone to take your place in First Order. I mean, no one is ever going to be Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, but I'm sure Snoke can find someone whose willing to take the plunge and enter into our mysterious cult of a band.”

Kylo just laughed. “You guys can replace me if that's what you want. I honestly couldn't give a fuck.”

“So I guess this is it then,” Hux said. “Knowing you was a good time, Kylo Ren. It was one hell of a good time.”

“Knowing you was shit, Hux,” Kylo laughed. “But you were tolerable at times.”

Hux laughed. “I hope you get your girl back. She really was a looker.”

“I don't love her for her looks, Hux, but I don't expect you to understand that.”

“You're insane, Kylo. Maybe our paths will cross again someday.”

“I doubt it.”

“Me too.”

Kylo didn't bother saying goodbye, just hung up the phone and tossed it onto the bed. He sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling again, started when he heard a small cough from the doorway. He looked over to find Rey standing there, and he sat up immediately. “Hi.”

Rey walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You don't want to watch the movies with us?”

“I was under the impression I would be watching the movies with you,” Kylo said softly, refusing to meet her gaze. “It's not the same with Finn and Luke here.”

“I'm sorry,” Rey said, reaching out to touch him on the knee. “I'm not ready to be alone with you like that. I'm not sure I ever will be.”

“Because you hate me. And that's fine because I deserve it. I don't even know why you speak to me, really. You shouldn't.”

“Have you called BB-8 yet?”

“I will on Monday. I think I finally realize how necessary it is.” Kylo shifted his gaze to where Rey's hand was, warming his skin through his jeans. He never wanted her to move unless it was to move closer. “I think Hux is finally convinced that I really did quit the band and I really did mean it when I did.”

“Good,” Rey said, smiling at him. “I wouldn't want your family to reconcile with you only for you to leave again.”

“It's not my family I'm thinking about,” Kylo said quietly. “You hate me. I know I deserve it, but I'm not sure I can accept it. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness, Rey. Anything.”

Rey sighed heavily. “It's not that simple.”

“I know that. Still, I mean what I say. What can I do? Name it. Even if it's just something little. How can I start to make this up to you?”

“You could pay for college,” Rey said sarcastically. “I'm drowning in student loans right now.”

“Okay,” Kylo said, meeting Rey's eyes with his own. “I'll pay off your student loans and for the rest of your education.”

“I said that sarcastically.”

“But it's the truth?”

“Well, yeah,” Rey said, shaking her head. “That doesn't mean I want you to buy back my affections.”

“If I thought that was the way to do it, I would be showering you in presents right now,” Kylo said. “But if I can use some of my money to help you out financially, I'm more than willing to do it.”

“I don't want to be in your debt.”

“You wouldn't be,” Kylo said. “It would be a gift.”

“Well, I can't accept that gift.”

Kylo groaned and laid back on the bed. “Why did you even suggest tonight? Just to torture me? I know you were pissed off Hux was here, but I don't remember you being downright cruel to people.”

Rey sat there for a moment before stretching out on the bed next to him. “I didn't do this to be cruel. I thought maybe if we all spent some time together, Finn would realize he doesn't need to kill you, and I could get used to your presence again. Luke was just a spur of the moment thing. I didn't think he'd actually say yes.”

Kylo looked over at Rey and a soft smile crossed his face. “I probably shouldn't say this, but I love you, Rey. I never stopped and I never will.”

“I know,” Rey said quietly. “But I'm not there, Kylo. And I'm not sure I ever will be.”

“Then I'll leave you alone.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want that?”

“Then what do you want?”

Rey stayed quiet for a few minutes before reaching out and caressing Kylo's cheek. “I want the last two years back. I want the day you left back. I want everything to be like it was before you left. But we can't do that. So I don't know what I want. I seriously thought I'd never see you again. I have no scenarios in my head for how this should go.”

“Right,” Kylo said. “You have every right to feel that way. And I know we can't go back. I'd give anything to go back. And you shouldn't want anything to do with me.”

“You really need to talk to BB-8.”

“Like I said, Monday.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Rey reached out and squeezed Kylo's hand lightly. “Come on. We're about to start _The Two Towers_. I can't watch Helm's Deep without you.”

Kylo nodded. “Alright.”


	12. therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in updates, but hopefully we'll be back to regular updates this week.
> 
> think of chapter twelve and chapter thirteen as happening at the same time.

Kylo sat nervously in the waiting room, glancing at the clock every few seconds. He'd called that morning to see if BB-8 could see him sometime soon, but he hadn't prepared for the receptionist to say that he could see him that afternoon. But there he was, two minutes away from an appointment that may or may not finally break him completely.

The door to BB-8's office opened and Poe came strolling out, nodding at Kylo as he made his way to the exit. They didn't say a thing to each other, but Kylo could tell that there was a certain understanding in that nod. _You keep quiet about me, I'll keep quiet about you._ Kylo really was starting to think that Poe could be a really good friend.

“Kylo.”

Kylo turned to find a man with vivid orange-red hair with aging white streaks going through it standing in the doorway of the office, and he took a deep breath before standing up. “You must be BB-8.”

“Oh good, we've got that part out of the way,” BB-8 said, leading him into the office. “Let's sit down and start getting to know each other.”

Kylo found a seat in the room and then they started talking. They talked about his childhood, university, and going off to join the band. But Kylo avoided the biggest subject of why he was there, and BB-8 picked up on it immediately. Kylo sat there quietly for a moment before he started to talk about Rey. And just as Rey had told him, BB-8 listened intently, didn't interrupt, and at the end, he told Kylo that he could help him until he discovered what the reason was for what he'd done by abandoning everyone for the band, and what it was he really wanted by coming back to Manhattan. 

And that's when Kylo started crying, because for all that everyone had said to him, no one had ever wanted to _help_ him figure out why he'd done what he did. BB-8 didn't judge him for crying, just handed him a box of Kleenex and let him curl into himself and sob on the sofa while he talked about how Kylo really needed a good support system around him.

By the time the session was over, Kylo felt like he'd been ripped open and all the tender, hidden spots of him were exposed to the world, but at the same time he sort of felt good about it. All he really knew is that he was going to come back for the second appointment that was scheduled, because he finally felt like he might be getting somewhere. He never thought he'd be pouring his heart out to someone named BB-8, but if it worked, then it didn't matter.

He left the office complex and headed to Starfighter, the only restaurant he'd taken to eating in since he returned. He walked in to find Finn working, which almost made him turn back around and leave, but instead he was seated by the hostess and started looking over the menu. 

“Great. It's you.”

Kylo set the menu down and looked up at Finn. “Hello to you too.”

“Can't you find somewhere else to eat?” Finn asked irritably.

“If I didn't know any better,” Kylo teased, “I'd say you liked me.”

Finn just glared at him. “Get out of here, you lousy son of a bitch.”

“Finn, how many times do I have to tell you he's welcome in here?” came Poe's voice, and Finn turned to show the jovial man walking towards the table. “I'll deal with his table since you so obviously can't do it professionally.”

Finn stared at Poe for a moment before spinning around and stalking away. Poe just rolled his eyes and pulled out a chair, collapsing down into it and looking over at Kylo. “I think he might be harder to win over than Rey.”

“I don't know about that,” Kylo said, leaning back in the chair. “So, I'm right in thinking that we don't talk about how we saw each other right?”

“I don't mind admitting to people that BB-8 is my therapist,” Poe said. “I just mind talking about why I'm seeing him.”

“Then I won't ever ask,” Kylo said, leaning back in his chair. “Same for me, by the way.”

“Okay,” Poe said. “If you don't mind me being blunt, you look like shit today.”

Kylo shrugged. “Didn't get much sleep last night. Hux must have made it back to New York, because Snoke and Phasma were texting me all night. I finally just turned my phone off around four but then I couldn't sleep because of the conversation.”

“They want you to come back to the band.”

“They want me to come back to the band, which I am definitely not doing. Then they started talking about this song I wrote, and I absolutely refused to allow them to record it. Like I would ever let them defile something I wrote about Rey.”

Poe smiled. “You write songs about Rey?”

Kylo groaned. “Don't tell her.”

“I won't,” Poe said. “But you should. She might find that romantic.”

“Trust me, I don't think she wants me and romance in the same thought.”

“Yeah, I heard about Saturday night. She shouldn't have done that.”

Kylo just shook his head. “I don't blame her. Why would she want to be alone with me?”

“You really can't see it, can you?” Poe asked. “Maybe it's just because I'm outside of the situation, but Kylo, she's softening to you.”

“No, she really isn't.”

“Yes, she really is,” Poe said. “Think about it. Would she have invited herself over like that two months ago? Would she be talking to you as often as she does? You guys have text conversations every night now.”

“Yeah, well, all of that is about to change.” Kylo sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I won't get into how, but I may have instructed my accountant to pay off all her student loan debt and to cover her education through the rest of college, however long that takes. And she's going to hate me for it.”

Poe stared at him in disbelief. “You did what?”

“Yeah, I know. She even told me herself that she wouldn't accept it, but I'm giving her no choice. I'm sure it's only going to lead to an argument, but I had to do it. She shouldn't be struggling to get by when I've got more money than I'll ever know what to do with.”

Poe just shook his head. “You thought the thing to do was to pay off her loans and stuff for our Rey? Strong, independent Rey? She's going to kill you.”

“As soon as she told me that she was struggling, I had to do it,” Kylo murmured. “It's not fair that I have so much and she so little. She should be sharing in my success and the only reason she's not is because I'm a fucking asshole.”

“You're not a fucking asshole,” Poe said.

Kylo laughed. “You don't know me very well. Yes I am.”

“Your parents say otherwise.”

“My parents still think I'm the professor at Kansas State,” Kylo said, sighing. “It's like they don't want to acknowledge what I've become.”

“You think you've become an asshole?” Poe laughed. “You wouldn't have come back here if you had. Why try to fix everything you broke if you were an asshole who didn't want to? You're not an asshole, Kylo.”

“We're going to have to agree to disagree about that,” Kylo said, picking up his menu again. “So are you going to send Finn back here or are you going to take my order?”

Poe laughed and stood up. “If that is your not-so-subtle way of changing the subject, know that you failed. However, I will go grab an order book and then come get your order. But you're never going to convince me that you're an asshole.”

“You haven't known me long enough yet,” Kylo said as Poe walked away. “Just wait. You'll see eventually.”


	13. conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> think of chapter twelve and chapter thirteen as happening at the same time.

Rey was sitting in Luke's living room doing her calculus homework when she heard him shout. “Aha! Found it!”

“Found what?” she called out, not looking away from her book. 

Luke came walking in from his bedroom, holding out a guitar case triumphantly. “I found it!”

“And I ask again, found what?” Rey asked, turning her eyes back to her homework.

Luke just sat down beside her on the sofa and ran a hand over the leather case. “C-3PO of course.”

Rey stopped and turned towards him. “C-3PO?”

“Yes,” Luke said, smiling. “My father's bass guitar. The one he taught me on. He gave it to me a number of years ago for me to pass down to my son. That obviously never happened, and so it's just been sitting in the closet, collecting dust.”

Rey laughed. “What is with your family and guitars?”

“It's a passion,” Luke said, smiling at her. “Come on, you knew that already.”

“I know,” Rey said, laughing. “So, what have you dug C-3PO out of the closet for?”

“To give to Kylo,” Luke said, and Rey froze.

“What?”

“He didn't bring any of his guitars with him when he came home,” Luke said, ignoring the way Rey was staring at him. “We can't play together if he doesn't have a guitar, and I don't have any other bass guitars anymore. So I went searching for it to give to him. Skywalker family tradition and all that. He is the only member of the next generation.”

Rey forced herself to take a deep breath. “You've forgiven him that much?”

“It's easy to see that he's remorseful,” Luke said, turning to look at her. “Maybe not to you, but to me. He got caught up with the wrong people, made the wrong decisions, and now he's broken free from that cult of a band and returned home. It was always going to take some time for him to settle in and it was always going to take some time for everyone to forgive him. But it's not going to do him any good if everyone hates him. So I forgave him, and so did Leia. Mom will forgive him instantly once she's seen him, and Han and my father are going to take some work, but they'll come around in the end.”

“And what about me?” Rey asked, her voice small. “I suppose I'm just supposed to forgive him too.”

Luke leaned back into the sofa and sighed. “When I went out of state to go to university, I ended up with this adviser who had everyone call him Yoda. Yoda is one of the wisest people I've ever met, and he is the one who taught me that holding on to anger and hatred can only lead to darkness. You have to let it go, let the light back in, be free of all that darkness that you feel. It is the only way.”

Rey sighed heavily. “I don't know if I can do that.”

“I think you'll reach a point where you realize you must,” Luke said. “Keeping all that anger and hatred while he wasn't here was one thing, but to actively have it towards one person that is constantly in your life, and don't deny that Kylo is constantly in your life, it will start to eat you up from the inside. It will change you. And I don't want you to change, my Rey of sunshine.”

“How many times must I ask you to never call me that?” Rey said sharply. “And I hate that everyone thinks it's just so easy to forgive him. It's not.”

“I didn't say it would be easy,” Luke said softly. “I know how much he hurt you. But you will reach a point where you realize you have to do it.”

“I'll try.”

“As Yoda once said, do or do not, there is no try. Don't just try. Do it.”

Rey shifted around until she had her head resting on Luke's shoulders. “And if I choose not to?”

“Then I think the only person you'll be disappointing is yourself, because you know you have it in you. I have so much faith in you, Rey. I know that you'll choose the right thing before the end.”

Rey felt tears come to her eyes and she tried desperately to blink them away. But she couldn't hide them from Luke, and Luke set the guitar case to the side and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. 

“It's okay to cry, Rey. I'd be worried if you weren't crying. You have a lot of pent up emotion to get out.”

“But I've already cried so much over him,” Rey sniffled. “I don't want to cry over him anymore.”

“You're crying for a different reason this time,” Luke pointed out. “Before it was because he abandoned you. Now it's because he wants to seek your forgiveness.”

“He wants a hell of a lot more than that.”

“Of course he does. He loves you more today than he did on the day he left. But if all he can do is earn your forgiveness and maybe be your friend, he's prepared for that. He told me that he's more than willing to spend the rest of his life as a sexless monk like his dear old uncle because he screwed things up with the love of his life.”

Rey turned her head till she was looking up at Luke. “You didn't screw things up with Mara. She made her choice.”

“Yes, I know. And Kylo made his. It's just that Kylo has seen the error of his ways, while Mara has never returned.”

Rey reached out and pulled Luke to her, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek. “I'm sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Luke said. “It's not you fault. And neither is what happened with Kylo. It's his fault and he knows it.”

Rey nodded, putting her head back on its resting place on Luke's shoulder. “How am I supposed to forgive him, Luke? I don't have the slightest clue of how to.”

“The same way that I would forgive Mara if she walked through that door again,” Luke said, tightening his embrace. “You'll find a way too.”

“You'd really forgive her?”

“In a heartbeat,” Luke said, sighing heavily. “And it's not because of the time that's passed. I think I forgave her the moment she walked out the door. And I think maybe if you meditate on it and think about it for awhile, you'll realize you forgave Kylo the moment he walked out the door too.”

“I doubt that,” Rey said, laughing. “I think that's the moment I started hating him.”

“I think if you also reflected back on it, you'd realize that you never did actually hate him. The feeling you experienced was just your body's natural reaction to the shock of him leaving. Has it faded away since you've seen him again?”

“A little,” Rey admitted after a moment. “It's not so much that I've forgotten the hatred as much as it is I've remembered the love.”

Luke smiled. “See? You're already forgiving him, slowly, piece by piece. The love, the light, is shining back through the darkness created by the hatred.”

“You really bought in to what this Yoda guy said, didn't you?”

“It's the only thing that's gotten me through a lot of tough times. Always trying to find that balance between the light and the dark. It's hard to do, but I think I've gotten there. You can too, I just know it.”

“You sound like BB-8 right now.”

Luke laughed. “Well, let's hope I never adopt the tweed suits.”

“No,” Rey laughed. “No tweet suits for you. Even if you are a stuffy professor.”

Luke laughed and and laughed. “I really am a stuffy professor, aren't I? Good thing I have the guitars to keep me from becoming a complete academic.”

Rey shook her head. “You are a complete academic. You just like to play guitars on the side.”

“And teach lessons,” Luke said. “I've agreed to start teaching lessons on the weekends again.”

Rey pulled back and gave Luke a brilliant smile. “That's great, Luke. What made you change your mind?”

“Kylo,” Luke said after a moment. “He reminded me of how pleasing it is to see one's teaching turn into fruition. I may have taught him how to play those guitars, but he perfected it until it was an art. Watching him play really is something to behold.”

“Yeah,” Rey said softly. “I suppose it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stole mara jade from the expanded universe.


	14. tuition.

Rey stood nervously at the counter of the office, checkbook in hand, praying that she had enough money to cover her tuition for the next semester and still have enough left over to buy her books. Luke had bought her books for the semester that just ended, and the embarrassment of having to ask him for financial help still lingered in her mind. She was twenty-three-years-old, she had her own apartment and her own job and her own car and she hated needing help from anyone. She could get along just fine on her own.

“Well, Rey, I'm showing that your tuition for the next semester has already been paid,” said the woman she was dealing with. “So you don't owe us anything.”

Rey's jaw dropped in shock. “My tuition has already been paid? By who?”

“It doesn't say,” the woman said. “Perhaps you have a guardian angel.”

Immediately, Rey realized exactly who it was that had paid her tuition, and rage grew up within her. “More like a devil,” she muttered. “Thank you.”

Rey left the office and immediately headed towards Luke's, because Luke had to know about this. There was no way that Kylo had been able to walk in and pay for her tuition without the help of someone, and it was just a little too convenient that his uncle also happened to be a professor at the same university that Rey attended. 

When she reached Luke's office, she didn't bother knocking, just opened the door and walked straight in. She wasn't surprised to see Kylo sitting there, fingers dancing across the strings of C-3PO, and Rey wanted to rip the guitar from his hands and smash it over his head.

“Would you like to explain to me why my tuition is paid for?”

Kylo didn't stop playing. He didn't even look up at her. “You said I could help by paying for your education. So that's what I did.”

“I said that sarcastically,” Rey said strongly. “I didn't mean that I wanted you to actually do it!”

“If there is any way that I can make your life easier, that's what I'm going to do,” Kylo said. “This is one way that can really help you. Luke told me he had to buy your books for you last semester. I don't want you worrying about whether or not you can pay for your physics book.”

“You don't get to make that decision!” Rey yelled. “You don't get to be the guardian angel who just swoops in and takes away all my problems!”

“I'm not trying to take away all your problems. I'm trying to help you with one of them,” Kylo said, finally looking over at her. “You're the one who brought this up with me.”

“SARCASTICALLY,” Rey screamed. “I didn't mean for you to go and actually do it! In fact, I want you to go undo it. Right now.”

“I can't do that,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “And even if I could, I wouldn't. If I hadn't...if things were different, you wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. You'd be sharing in my success. Please, let me share it with you.”

Rey was so full of anger that she could no longer face Kylo, so she turned to Luke instead. “You had something to do with this.”

“Not very much,” Luke said, his hand coming to a stop on top of R2-D2. “He asked me if I'd ever had to help you out with school stuff. I told him about the books for last semester. He said okay. I only knew about it after he'd done it, and I told him that you were going to be furious, and he said he didn't care.”

Rey sighed, feeling all the energy inside her disappear, and she collapsed down into the chair next to Kylo. She sat there for a few minutes, head in her hands, before she turned to look at the man sitting to her right. “I really didn't want you to do this. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Finn.”

“I'll explain it to him. After all, I paid for his too.”

Rey stared at him for a moment, jaw dropped. “You paid for Finn's tuition too?”

“I didn't think it was fair to take care of yours and not his,” Kylo said, shrugging. “And no matter what he will claim, that was not a blatant attempt to make him forgive me. I don't deserve his forgiveness. I just wanted to make things more comfortable for the two of you.”

“Rey,” Luke said, drawing her attention to him. “I know that you are a strong, independent woman, but even strong, independent women need a little bit of help now and then.”

“A little bit of help is borrowing twenty bucks, not paying thousands of dollars for my tuition.”

“I've offered on many occasions to pay for your tuition,” Luke said. “Your pride is the only reason I haven't.”

“And back...I used to help you pay for it then. I didn't think you would react so strongly to me helping again,” Kylo said, setting C-3PO down on Luke's desk. “I'm not going to apologize for doing it. I just want to help.”

Rey took several deep breaths before standing up. “I have nothing to say to either of you right now.”

Rey ignored the sound of her name on two different voices and walked out of the office. She stalked across campus and climbed into her car, locking all the doors before pulling out her phone. She dialed Finn's number by heart, and as soon as he picked up, she started talking.

“Don't bother coming to pay your tuition.”

“Rey, I have to go pay my tuition. Otherwise I can't attend classes next semester.”

“Kylo paid for it.”

Finn was silent for a minute. “Excuse me?” he finally asked.

“Kylo paid both of ours' tuition for next semester. Hell for all I know, he's paying for the rest of college for both of us. All I know is that he's done it, it can't be reversed, and I want to kill him.”

“Rey, take a deep breath,” Finn said calmly. “As much as we hate him, he did just make our lives a hell of a lot easier.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Finn?”

“Very funny.”

“You don't have a problem with this?” Rey asked, banging her hand against the steering wheel. “Because it took all of my self-control not to just smash that damn guitar over his head.”

“Rey, think about this logically for a moment. It's like a scholarship. Someone pays for us to go to school, we don't have to pay for anything but books. Considering all the scholarships we've applied for over the years, and all the financial aid too, I think I can just pretend it's that,” Finn said. “A gift from First Order. The only damn thing that's good about that fucking band.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” Rey murmured, leaning forward until her head rested on the steering wheel. “Finn, when do I ever think about anything involving him logically?”

“Well, maybe it's time to.”

“Finn, you cannot mean that.”

“He's obviously still in love with you. And I know you better than anyone, Rey. You're still in love with him too.”

“No I'm not,” Rey whispered.

“Yes, you are,” Finn said seriously. “Look, you've been happier since he came back. You're cheerier at work, which is getting you better tips. Your grades went up last semester, which is not because of Luke and you know it. Despite the fact that you say you hate him, you have text conversations every night and never send him away when he offers to leave you alone. And every single time you see him, you come home with a smile on your face, whether you realize it or not.”

Rey was quiet for a long time and then she let out a sob. “I don't want to be in love with him. I can't forgive him.”

“I know, Rey,” Finn said quietly. “I know.”

“I don't know what to do. What do I do, Finn?”

“I'm afraid that I can't help you with this one,” Finn said. “This one you've got to decide all on your own. If it were me, I would have decked him the moment I saw him again and told him to get out of my life. But you're not me. You're you. And you have to do what's best for you.”

“Thanks, Finn,” Rey said sarcastically. “That's so much help.”

“Hey, you always tell me to figure out my love life on my own. You have to do the same for yours. I'll talk to you later. And if you see him again, tell Kylo I said thanks for the tuition.”

“I still want to know who you are and what you've done with Finn.”

“Let's just say that someone told me all about how anger leads to darkness.”

Rey shook her head. “When did you talk to Luke?”

“Yesterday.”

“And you bought into it that quickly?”

“It made sense to me, Rey. You know how I am with emotions and things. I don't deal with them well. But when Luke explained it, it just all made sense.”

“So just like that you've forgiven him.”

“I didn't say I've forgiven him. But I'm not angry with him anymore. I don't want to live in the dark. I don't want the anger to consume me, and let me tell you, it really has consumed me since he got back. Poe could tell a big difference when I showed up to work this morning, and he was really happy to hear that I'd let go of the anger.”

Rey just shook her head. “I've got to go.”

“No you don't, but okay.”

Rey didn't bother saying goodbye, just hung up the phone and sat up, staring across campus. Maybe, _maybe_ , she could learn not to be angry with Kylo. But to go back to loving him?

Rey couldn't see a way that that would ever be possible.


	15. grandmother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm overwhelmed at the response this fic is getting, so thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me know that you like it. my inspiration is fed by comments and kudos, and you're keeping me very inspired. :D

Kylo took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, twisting his hands together nervously. He didn't know why he'd put this off so much since he'd talked to his grandfather, but it had been nearly a month and if he was ever going to win his grandfather over, he needed to start with his grandmother first.

The door opened and Padmé Amidala came into view, and Kylo couldn't help the smile that crossed his face. He towered over her as usual, his lanky frame still almost a foot taller than her petite one, and when she held open her arms, he stooped to hug her.

“Kylo,” Padmé said softly, closing her arms around his shoulders. “Oh, child, it is so good to see you.”

“It's good to see you too, Grandma,” Kylo said, forcing away the thought of tears before they could form. He'd had enough of crying.

They broke their embrace and Padmé ushered him into the house, closing the door behind him. “I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, you know.”

“I'm sorry,” Kylo said seriously. “I just, I wasn't ready, and then Grandpa and I talked and I just...I wasn't ready.”

Padmé's brown furrowed. “You've spoken to your grandfather?”

Kylo looked at her questioningly. “He didn't tell you?”

“Apparently not,” Padmé said, clicking her tongue. “I'll deal with him later. He's not here. He's rented a hotel room so he can finish the book in peace without distractions.”

As if on cue, a big, lumbering husky came running into the entry way, jumping up on Kylo and making him laugh. “Jar Jar! Hi buddy.”

“He's missed you,” Padmé said, a smile back on her face. “Every time your parents or Rey are here, he looks around for you and then mopes when he doesn't find you.”

Kylo reached down and rubbed Jar Jar behind the ears. “You looked for me? Silly dog. Didn't you ever figure out that I was gone?”

“He still barks every time Ani comes up from the basement like he's some sort of intruder,” Padmé laughed. “All these years and he's still never learned that it's always going to be Ani. I'm not sure he's the smartest dog.”

“But he's the sweetest,” Kylo said, laughing when Jar Jar started licking him. “Maybe I should get a dog. The apartment is rather lonely.”

“Why don't you speak to Rey about that?”

Kylo sighed and looked over at Padmé. “You have to know that she's never going to forgive me. I know about your monthly lunches.”

“She may think that she cannot forgive you,” Padmé said gently, “but one of these days, she's going to realize that she already has. She has Luke's spirit, even if she is not biologically his child. Luke forgave Mara for leaving, and Rey will forgive you. It's just a matter of time.”

“Thank you for being there for her,” Kylo said. “I'm glad she had all of you for support.”

“We all leaned upon each other,” Padmé said. “It was difficult at first, but when we saw your success, it became easier. I would turn on the television, and there would be my only grandchild, playing some beautiful melodies. I was very proud of you, Benjamin. And I know you don't go by that name anymore, but I just had to say it.”

Kylo stood up and smiled at her. “I'm glad I made you proud. I didn't think that was possible after what I did.”

“Han and Leia may not want to admit it, but we all got so lucky with you,” Padmé said, walking towards Kylo and wrapping a hand around his elbow, leading him deeper into the house. “You didn't go away to go to college, and you stayed here to work.

“Luke was so quiet when he was a teenager, I didn't know how to get through to him. And then he took off for Dagobah for college and I was lucky to get a phone call or an email. Your mother went to college in Colorado and met your father on that Air Force base, and I didn't know much about him until she brought him home and announced they were getting married. My children changed and I didn't know them anymore. I'm just lucky they came home and I got to know who they became.”

“I'm not sure who I've become,” Kylo said softly as they entered one of the offices. “That's part of why I came back here, to figure that out. I didn't like who I was when I was in the band. I wasn't happy.”

“Yes, I could tell,” Padmé said. “Well, this was my office and now is the room dedicated to you.”

Kylo looked around the walls, seeing framed pictures of him performing with First Order covering the walls, the slip covers of vinyl versions of their albums dotted among them. There was a CD player on a shelf against one wall, every album that First Order had ever put out sitting in a small holder next to it. Padmé's desk was still there, but it was covered in more framed pictures, some of the them autographed.

“How did you get the autographs?”

“I bought them off eBay,” Padmé said, pride in her voice. “I knew which ones were real and which ones weren't because of your handwriting.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “How does Grandpa feel about this room?”

“Gave you the cold shoulder, did he?” Padmé asked. “Your grandfather has no problem with this room. In fact, he often joins me in here to listen to your music. He hates the lyrics and the singing, of course, but the guitar work, he could listen to you play for hours. And sometimes he does.”

The tears that Kylo willed away earlier returned, and he couldn't stop them from rolling down his face. “I thought everyone would hate me,” he said, breaking away from Padmé's clutch to slide down the wall to the floor. “I deserve to be hated, not to have you all so proud of me. What I did was unforgivable.”

Padmé crouched down next to him, reaching out to wipe away his tears. “Murder is unforgivable. Going off to join a band isn't.”

“But I abandoned all of you,” Kylo cried. 

“Perhaps,” Padmé said. “But I think it was something you needed to do. I've been telling your mother and father for years that one of these days, you were going to need a break from the family. You just finally took it.”

“Why do you have such faith in me?”

Padmé smiled at him. “Because you're my only grandchild and I love you. You've never disappointed me, Kylo Ren. Never.”

Kylo swallowed hard and reached up to wipe away the remaining tears. “I don't deserve that.”

“Yes you do,” Padmé said. “And I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe it. Now, how about lunch? I made some of your favorite cookies for dessert.”

Kylo laughed. “I remember making those with you.”

“I thought you might,” Padmé said, standing up. “Come on. A quick lunch and then straight into the cookies.”

Kylo just nodded and stood up.

His grandmother still loved him. At least one person did.


	16. party.

Starfighter was closed to the public for a private party, and at the party's center was Rey. The cause of the party was her twenty-fourth birthday, and a select gathering of people she considered friends or family were there. Han and Leia, Luke, Padmé and Anakin, Finn and Jessika, Poe, Maz and Chewie; they were all sitting around talking to each other, trading stories, handing Rey presents. 

But there was one person at the party who looked awkward and like he didn't know if he should be there or not.

Kylo was seated at a table just behind the main party, looking down at a small wrapped box that he kept flipping around in his hands. He hadn't made a move to give it to her, and Rey had wondered why for awhile until she decided that it was something he didn't want to give her in front of everyone else. 

She stared at Kylo until he looked up at her, and she nodded her head towards the door to the kitchens. He nodded slightly and got up, heading into the kitchens without anyone but Rey noticing. 

Rey waited a few moments before leaning over to Leia. “Kylo and I are going to talk outside. Can you try to keep anyone from following me?”

“Of course dear,” Leia said and Rey stood up, drawing everyone's attention to her.

“I need a little fresh air. I'll be right back,” she said, and as she headed towards the kitchens, she could hear Finn asking where Kylo went. She hoped Leia would be able to hold him off long enough for whatever was about to happen to actually happen.

She found Kylo sitting on the steps going down to the alley, and Rey smoothed out her skirt and sat down next to him. “Nice party, huh?”

“Do you have these private celebrations with the family every year?” Kylo asked softly. 

“Pretty much,” Rey said. “It's not that different to before. We just always had them at our place. But ever since Poe opened the café, we've had them here.”

Kylo just nodded, flipping the box around again. Rey watched for a few minutes and then coughed slightly.

“Is that for me?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, taking a deep breath. “I've just been trying to decide if giving it to you is a good idea or not.”

“You don't think it's a good idea to give me a present you picked out for me?”

“You're going to be furious.”

Rey sighed. “You always give me gifts that infuriate me. That's something that hasn't changed.”

Kylo laughed. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

They sat in silence for another few minutes before Kylo took a deep breath and handed the box to her. “Here.”

“Thank you,” Rey said, slowly undoing the wrapping and uncovering a pure white box. She opened the box and found a pair of keys sitting on some cotton and immediately began shaking her head. “No.”

“No what?”

“No to whatever these are to,” Rey said seriously, holding the box out to Kylo. “I can't, Kylo.”

“Don't you even want to know what these are to?” Kylo asked, not taking the box. “I'm trying to make your life easier.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I don't want my life to be made easier?” Rey asked. “That I prefer working hard for what I get instead of having it handed to me? That's a trait that my parents instilled in me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let that go to be some sort of kept woman for you.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “I don't want to make you a kept woman! That's the last thing in the world I want. I want you to be with me because that's what you want, not because you feel obliged. And I know I'm never going to get that, so I'm just trying to make what I did up to you in the only way I know how.”

Silence descended upon them again, and this time Rey broke it. “What are the keys for?”

“A house,” Kylo said softly. “Where Cassell Road meets Kenmar Drive, right near the college and close to where Luke lives and where Starfighter is. It's fully paid for, utilities covered for probably the next ten years. I heard Finn telling Poe that your lease was up next month and that you were probably going to have to move because your landlord would jack your rent up higher, and I just...do you see now why I didn't know if I should give it to you or not?”

Rey sighed heavily. “So you bought me a house.”

“Well, you and Finn. I figured he would be living there too.”

“Kylo,” Rey said, pausing. “I think I liked you better before you had all this money.”

Kylo laughed hollowly. “Me too.”

Before Rey realized it, her hand was on the back of Kylo's head, tangling gently into the waves of his hair. “Did you go see BB-8?”

“Have been seeing him every week for the last three months.”

“And?”

“And I feel torn apart and exposed and vulnerable and all those things that you never want to feel. Also, I've decided that you're a saint.”

Rey laughed. “Why am I a saint?'

“Because you always put up with me and my bullshit. Even now, when you should slap me or deck me or something, you're sitting here talking to me like nothing's wrong between us, like it's just another time when I've given you a gift that's infuriated you, like I haven't caused you all the pain I have.” Kylo stopped and looked over at her. “If the pain I feel every time I realize I'm never going to hold you in my arms again is anything like the pain I caused you, I can never apologize enough.”

Rey stared at Kylo for a moment, seeing the longing and pain in his eyes, and she made a decision. Sliding closer to him, she took Kylo's arm and wrapped it around her waist, letting her head come to a rest on his shoulder. “Is this better?”

“Why are you doing this?” Kylo asked after a moment. “I know you don't want to.”

“If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have done it,” Rey said seriously. “But honestly, I couldn't take another moment of seeing that pain in your eyes. You shouldn't be in so much pain. That's not the Ben Solo I know.”

“Ben Solo is gone.”

“Yeah, well, I don't think it's the Kylo Ren I know either. You're not so different, you know.”

Kylo tilted his head until it was gently resting on Rey's, and they sat there, staring at the building across from them. Kylo's arm tightened around Rey's waist and she moved even closer to him, and before long Rey lifted her head up and looked over at him.

“I will agree to the house only if you allow me and Finn to pay you rent.”

“There's no need for that.”

“There is to me,” Rey said softly. “We'll talk details later. Just agree to let us pay you rent, and I'll take those keys right now.”

Kylo nodded. “If you insist.”

“I do,” Rey said, reaching into the box and pulling the keys out. “Finn is going to freak out, but I'll make him understand. I'm guessing you furnished it?”

“Of course,” Kylo said, “but there is room for your belongings and you can decorate as you see fit. Paint the walls, tear them down, remodel things, whatever you want.”

Rey laughed. “I don't think Finn and I will be doing any DIY.”

“Well, I know how you love to tinker with things, so it was just a suggestion,” Kylo said. “In fact, there's even a shop in the garage that you can use.”

Rey's face brightened. “Really? I've been having to do all that at school because there was nowhere in the apartment.”

“I tried to think of everything you'd want,” Kylo said. “I hope you like it.”

Rey watched him for a moment before leaning forward, pressing her lips against his. Kylo sat there in shock but started to kiss her back after a few moments, wrapping his other arm around her waist and turning Rey towards him. Rey's arms went up around his neck as they pressed up against each other, and they kissed and kissed for a long while.

“Rey!” came Finn's voice from inside. “We're about to have cake!”

They broke apart instantly, both sets of eyes wide and breathing hard. Kylo was the first to smile, but Rey didn't return it.

“That shouldn't have happened,” she said quickly, standing up and walking into the kitchens.

Kylo just sat there, staring into the doorway through which she'd disappeared, and he couldn't decide if that kiss had been a step forward or three steps back.


	17. china.

“Is this real china?” Finn asked, taking a plate out of the cupboard and holding it up. “It feels like real china.”

“It wouldn't surprise me,” Rey said, sitting down on one of the stools at the kitchen's bar. “I don't know where he expects us to put our stuff. The whole place is full of everything we could possibly need.”

“We could always sell it, make some more money.” Finn put the plate back and turned to look at Rey. “But first we should talk about what you're not telling me.”

“There is nothing that I haven't told you,” Rey said. “And I don't care what Kylo said, we're paying him the same amount of rent for this house as we did the apartment.”

“You're being stubborn again,” Finn said, walking over to the bar and leaning against it. “And you're definitely not telling me something.”

Rey sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair, reminding her that she hadn't put it up yet today. “Things with Kylo just got a little too intimate, okay?”

“Rey.”

“Finn.”

“Do you really think you're going to get away with saying that and then not explaining?” Finn asked, shaking his head. “Come on.”

Rey took a deep breath and ducked her head down. “I kissed him.”

“WHAT?!” Finn exploded.

“See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.”

Finn forced himself to calm down. “You kissed him. Why on earth would you do that?”

Rey sat there for a few moments before looking up at him. “He had so much pain in his eyes, Finn. I just, I couldn't take seeing him that hurt anymore. He said he knew he'd never get to hold me again, so l wrapped his arm around my waist and then...it was just like old times. Of course then I told him it shouldn't have happened and ran back inside, and he must have left because he never came back in.”

“Oh Rey,” Finn said, reaching across the counter and taking her hand. “It's okay. A momentary lapse of judgment. Don't worry about it.”

“I wanted it, Finn!” Rey exclaimed. “It felt right to kiss him. I needed to give him something that let him know there was some hope.”

“Hope?” Finn gave her a concerned look. “Why would you want to give Kylo hope?”

“He hates himself, Finn. I can't let that happen. He can't hate himself for what he did.”

“Did you hit your head or something?”

Rey just shook her head. “I've been talking a lot with Luke. I think you're both right. I think I need to let go of the anger, and so that's what I did on those steps. And when I let go of the anger, what was left was love.”

Finn sighed and put his head down on the counter. “No.”

“You had to know that I still loved him,” Rey said softly. “It's why I could never fully get over him.”

“I don't even know what to say,” came Finn's somewhat muffled voice. “He shattered you.”

“He shattered himself too. You and Luke pieced me back together. Someone needs to piece him back together.”

Finn looked up. “And that someone is you.”

“It's going to take more than just me,” Rey said, squeezing Finn's hand. “His family, his friends, you, me. It's going to take all of us.”

“You expect me to help piece back together the man that shattered you?” Finn asked, standing up fully. “Nope. No way. Not after what he did to you. I'm not doing a damn thing for that bastard.”

“Except live in a fully-furnished house that he paid for and go to college on his money.”

“That's different.”

“How?”

Finn stared at Rey, opening and closing his mouth several times before slamming a hand down on the counter. “Damn you.”

“You know it's the truth.”

“Is that why you're letting him get away with these things? To give him hope?”

Rey just rolled her eyes. “This from the man who told me to take the gift of the tuition money.”

“I just think you're making a big mistake,” Finn said softly. “I don't want to see you get hurt again.”

“If I do, it was my choice. But I have to do this for him, Finn.”

Finn was silent for a few moments and then sighed heavily. “Fine. What do we do?”

Rey gave him a brilliant smile. “I think the first thing we do is finish moving into the house. Then, once we're settled, we're inviting him over for dinner.”

“Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me,” Finn muttered. “Why would we invite him over for dinner?”

Rey sighed exasperatedly. “Fine, I'll invite him over for dinner on the night of your next date with Jessika.”

“Absolutely not,” Finn said strongly. “I'm not letting you be alone with him.”

“Why?” Rey asked, laughing. “Afraid that I'll kiss him again?”

“Yes!” Finn exclaimed. “I don't know what happened out on those steps, but I don't know where this is coming from. If I'd asked you before the party, you would have told me you hated Kylo. Now it's two weeks later and you want to piece him back together. Is part of that resuming your relationship? Because you know that's what he wants.”

“I know that's what he wants,” Rey said softly. “But I'm not sure that's what I want. I told him the kiss shouldn't have happened and I meant it. But he needs friends right now, Finn. And I can be a friend for him.”

They were interrupted by the sound of a First Order song, and Rey quickly reached for her phone. “Hello?”

“How's the house?” came Kylo's voice.

“A dream,” Rey answered. “You have very expensive taste.”

“Well, I did tell you that you could change anything,” Kylo said. “I meant that.”

“No, I don't think we'll be changing anything,” Rey said, smiling at Finn. “Actually, Finn and I were just talking about you.”

“Really?” Kylo asked, surprise in his voice. “Dare I ask what you were talking about?”

“We were talking about having you over for dinner once we're all settled here.”

“Us and Poe!” Finn called out, and Rey nodded.

“You, me, Finn, and Poe. What do you say?”

Kylo was silent for a few moments. “Are you sure that's a good idea?”

“Yes,” Rey said. “I am.”

“Well, let me know when, and I'll bring the wine.”

Rey smiled. “I'll let you know. Will you do something for me?”

“Anything,” Kylo said. 

“Your whole family gathers at your grandparents' place for dinner every Sunday night. Go to it this week.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. And I'll know if you don't.”

“Okay,” Kylo said eventually. “I'll let my grandmother know I'm going to be there.”

“Good,” Rey said softly. “That means a lot to me. I've got to go now but I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay. Bye.”

Rey hung up the phone and set it on the counter before looking up at Finn. “What?'

“You really do want to fix him, don't you?”

Rey nodded. “He might not be my Ben anymore, but that doesn't mean he should die inside like he's trying to do.”

“My Rey, always tinkering with things.”

Rey shook her head. “This isn't me tinkering with things. This is me doing what is right.”

“If you say so.”


	18. family dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for no chapter yesterday. this one just was tricky for some reason. hopefully it turned out alright.

“So I understand that Luke has given you C-3PO,” Anakin said, looking across the table at his grandson. “I sincerely hope you're going to treat it right.”

Kylo nodded as he reached for his glass of wine. “Of course I am. I understand how that guitar is a family heirloom. Besides, I always take care of my guitars.”

“I always figured it would be in your possession someday,” Anakin said as Kylo took a long sip from his glass. “You are my only grandchild.”

Anakin's eyes flickered over to where Luke was sitting at the other end of the table, and Kylo was suddenly hit with a desire to defend his uncle. “You cannot be upset with someone for holding on to the love of their life, even if that person is gone.”

“I'm not upset by Luke's lingering bachelorhood,” Anakin said. “I just don't understand it.”

“Well, I'm headed down the same path he's taken, so...”

“You don't believe you can rekindle things with Rey.”

Kylo just shook his head. “I know when I'm defeated.”

“You aren't giving her enough time,” Han said, chiming in from next to Anakin. “You just need to give her time.”

Kylo was surprised that his father said something to him, but he put that to the back of his mind. “I've given her months.”

“Give her more,” Han said, looking up at him. “I don't know if you ever figured it out, son, but some of the times that I told you I was going to the base for training was really me giving your mother space to figure out how to forgive me.”

“Han,” came Leia's voice from next to Kylo. “Don't.”

“He's a man now, Leia. He deserves to know.” Han took a deep breath. “Your mother and I fought many times, and I would take off and do other things until I got the courage to call and apologize and your mother told me to come home.”

Kylo blinked several times as he tried to absorb that. “So you essentially did to us what I did to you and yet you can't forgive me?”

“That's different,” Han snapped. “I never disappeared for two years.”

Leia just shook her head. “You're being unrealistic again,” she said, putting a hand on Kylo's shoulder. “Don't listen to him, Kylo. He knows he's forgiven you; he's just too stubborn to admit it.”

“Leia, don't put words in my mouth.”

“I'm not,” Leia said. “I've heard you say them.”

Han glared at her from across the table, but before an apparently inevitable fight could break out, Padmé interrupted them. “Not here, please.”

“Some things never change,” Luke murmured from Han's right. “Dad doesn't understand me, Han and Leia on the verge of an argument, and everyone trying to keep it all from happening in front of Kylo. It's exactly like how things were not that long ago. The only thing missing tonight is Rey.”

Kylo reached for his glass again. “I'm not sure we'll ever have a family dinner with Rey again.”

“Han's right,” Padmé said softly. “You need to give her more time. It is very hard for a woman to forgive a man for things as big and deep as this. But that doesn't mean it's impossible; it just means that a long span of time is needed.”

Kylo took a long sip from his glass and set it back down. “She invited me over for dinner with her and Finn at the house. Poe's supposed to be there too. I'm still not sure if we've taken a step forward or three steps back.”

“She's very confused,” Leia said. “I spoke to her on the phone the other day, and she told me so herself. Confused is good though. It means she's moved on from pure anger and hatred.”

“Listen to your mother,” Han said, laughing slightly. “She knows what she's talking about in this scenario.”

Leia just shook her head. “I never hated you, Han. And Rey never hated Kylo either.”

“Can we talk about the Kylo nonsense for a moment?” Han said, abruptly changing the subject. “Have you even given thought to going back to your actual name? I have a son named Benjamin, not Kylo Ren.”

Kylo sighed heavily but before he could speak Anakin held his hand up. “We all make choices in our life, Han, and sometimes those choices are about the name we go by. I could very well have published my books under the name Anakin Skywalker, but I chose to publish them under the name Darth Vader. Ben could very well have been a member of First Order with his given name, but the trio of General Hux, Captain Phasma, and Ben Solo doesn't really sound right together. So he became Kylo Ren. And when you choose to use a different name, you truly become that person. All of my readers refer to me as Vader, and I feel as though I am Darth Vader. I am sure that Ben feels as he is now Kylo Ren, and if that is how he prefers to be called, then that is how we will call him.”

“Thank you, Grandpa,” Kylo said, breaking the silence that had descended upon the table. “That is, well, that's very close to how I feel. I had to murder Ben Solo to become Kylo Ren, and I don't really expect any of you to understand that. I just want you to respect that Kylo Ren is who I am now.”

“It's still nonsense,” Han muttered, turning back to his plate. 

“Han,” Leia warned, shaking her head.

“I think Kylo Ren is a great name for a musician,” Luke chimed in. “Old Ben always says that it's better to be famous with a name that's not your own, because that way you still have ownership of who you really are. I mean, think about the names of the members of The Jedi Order. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Mace Windu, and Ki-Adi-Mundi. No one on this planet would seriously name their children any of those names.”

“Thank you, Luke,” Kylo said softly.

“Luke's right,” Padmé said. “Our Ben is a musician now, a rather famous one at that, and he has become Kylo Ren. I, for one, am just happy to see him sitting here at this table sharing a meal with us when I thought that was never going to happen again.”

Kylo ducked his head, and Leia nudged him in the side. “There is no need to be ashamed of anything.”

“But I am,” Kylo said firmly, looking over at his mother. “I hurt all of you so much, and we're just sitting here having dinner as though none of the past two years have happened. But they did happen, and I abandoned all of you, and I don't understand why no one is angry enough to want to kill me for it!”

Kylo pushed his chair back and stood up, grabbing his glass of wine and the bottle that was near it before walking away. He made his way through his grandparents' house until he was on the back patio, Jar Jar hot on his heels. He collapsed down on the steps leading to the backyard and polished off his glass in one sip, pouring himself another as Jar Jar nudged his nose against his arm. “Oh alright.”

Kylo set the glass and the bottle to the side and opened his arms, Jar Jar immediately jumping into his lap and putting his paws up on Kylo's shoulders. He petted Jar Jar for several minutes, smiling every time he heard the slight whimper that indicated Jar Jar was enjoying his rub down. Jar Jar eventually climbed off him and ran out into the yard, getting a stick and bringing it back to Kylo. 

Kylo reached for his glass of wine as he threw the stick, Jar Jar racing to the other end of the backyard to retrieve it. He sipped at it slowly and kept throwing the stick out into the yard until he heard the door open behind him. He didn't look to see who it was, expecting his mother or his grandmother, but the person who sat down next to him on the steps was the one who surprised him the most.

His father.

“Your mother wasn't putting words into my mouth,” Han said after several minutes of silence. “I have forgiven you.”

“Why?” Kylo asked. “I don't deserve it.”

“That's why,” Han said. “I forgave you because you hate yourself so much that you don't think you deserve forgiveness. Your mother told me you've been going to see BB-8. That's good. Brian's a good man, can really help with things.”

Kylo looked over at him. “How would you know?”

“Your mother has become good friends with his wife. We often have dinner together, the four of us, and he is a very insightful, calm person who always is looking to find the root of the problem when presented with one. That's what makes him a good therapist.”

Kylo nodded. “He really does want to help me. I just don't know how to let him.”

“I suppose that it's ridiculous for me to say this, given everything I just said about Kylo Ren,” Han said, sighing. “But I think you haven't murdered Ben Solo. I think he's still in there. And I think you need to decide whether you want to be Ben or Kylo, because you can't be both.”

“Trust me, Ben is gone,” Kylo said. “And he's not coming back.”

“Ben was confident. He was sure of himself and what he wanted out of life. Kylo is weak, desperate, and full of self-loathing.”

“I'm not going to disagree with that,” Kylo said. “Snoke and the others, they made me this way.”

“I don't doubt that,” Han said, looking over at his son. “But they're gone. You can make yourself be anything you want now. And if part of that is me learning to accept that my little Benjamin is now Kylo Ren, then I will work hard at doing that. I just want my son to be happy again.”

Kylo let out a hollow laugh. “That's all I wanted when I came back here. To be happy again. It took me awhile to figure out why, and it took me longer to figure out what, but I still don't know how to actually do it. I'm still the piece of shit that abandoned all of you, and no matter how many family dinners we have, we're going to have to acknowledge the elephant in the room at some point.”

“Or you could just accept the fact that everyone has forgiven you,” Han said, putting a hand on Kylo's shoulder. “We're just glad to have you back, son.”

“I don't deserve it.”

“You do.”

Kylo looked out to where Jar Jar was rolling around in the grass and let a small smile cross his face. “I love that dog.”

“He's annoying as hell,” Han said, laughing. “But you always did have a soft spot for that dog.”

Kylo just shook his head and reached for the bottle of wine. “You should get back to dinner.”

“I'm not going without you,” Han said, squeezing Kylo's shoulder. “So if you're going to just sit out here, then that's what I'm going to do too.”

Kylo filled his glass and then set the bottle down, taking a long sip. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Forgiving me,” Kylo practically whispered. “It means a lot.”

“I love you, son,” Han said. “This Kylo nonsense doesn't change that.”

“I love you too, Dad.”


	19. snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so this turned long and i'm afraid rambly but when i'm crying i get rambly so i think that's why. anyway, apologies in advance for the rambliness of the chapter. i really did have a point to it and i'm not sure i got it across but i certainly tried to!
> 
> minor character death.

Kylo grabbed the bottle of wine and his keys before heading to his door, opening it. He didn't look up until the door was wide open, and when he did, he nearly dropped the bottle of wine in shock. “Fuck.”

“Hello to you too, Kylo Ren,” said Phasma. “I hope you don't mind, but Hux told me where to find you.”

“If this is about the band, then you can fuck off,” Kylo said, shoving his way out of his apartment and turning to lock his door. “In fact, no matter what this is about, you can fuck off.”

Kylo started to walk down the hall when he heard Phasma call out. “Snoke is dead.”

He stopped walking and turned back to her. “What?”

“Drug overdose,” Phasma said. “I was in Colorado, Hux told me to swing by on my way back to New York and see if you would be willing to attend his funeral.”

Kylo just stared at her. “Snoke is dead. From a drug overdose. I didn't even know he did drugs.”

“Prescription pain killers. He took an entire bottle of them at once. Left a suicide note, said he couldn't carry on knowing he'd ruined our lives,” Phasma said, her voice softening. “I know you hated him. I know you hate me and Hux. But none of us would have what we have now without him, and Hux and I are going to pay our respects no matter what you decide to do.”

Kylo sighed heavily, bringing his free hand up to run through his hair. “I can't do this tonight. Breakfast in the morning?”

“Alright,” Phasma said. “Where?”

“Starfighter Café. I know the owner, he'll keep the co-eds away. Well, most of them.”

“They won't recognize me without the helmet anyway,” Phasma said, walking towards him. “Can I catch the elevator down with you?”

“Of course,” Kylo said, walking towards it. 

They got into the elevator and rode down silently, parting ways once they were outside the building. Kylo went to his car and got in, putting his head on the steering wheel and begging himself not to cry despite the fact that tears were threatening. 

“Why the fuck do I want to cry over you, Snoke?” he asked no one. “You were a lousy motherfucker who treated me like shit.”

Kylo sniffled as he couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer. He sat there, his emotions overwhelming him, until the sound of his phone ringing broke through the air. He reached for it blindly, managed to answer it with one hand, and brought it up to his ear. “What?”

“Well, hello to you too,” came Rey's voice, and Kylo immediately was angry with himself. 

“Sorry, I just...I wasn't expecting it to be you.”

“Okay,” Rey dragged out. “Um, where are you? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago.”

Kylo pulled his head away from the wheel and checked the time, realizing suddenly that he'd been sitting there crying for nearly an hour. “Fuck, I...I'm on my way. I'll be there in ten minutes.”

“Is everything okay?” Rey asked softly. “You sound like you've been crying.”

Kylo swallowed hard as he grabbed his keys and started the car. “I got some unpleasant news.”

“Is everyone alright?” Rey's voice was alarmed. “Do I need to go to a hospital?”

“Everyone in the family is alright,” Kylo reassured. “It's...fuck, I don't even know why I'm crying over the bastard.”

“Kylo?”

Kylo backed out of his spot and drove out of the parking lot. “Snoke died. Suicide. Prescription drug overdose. Phasma just told me.”

Rey was silent for a few moments. “I honestly don't know how to respond to that.”

“I hated him, Rey,” Kylo said, slowly driving towards the house. “Fuck, I don't even know why I'm feeling like this.”

“Oh, Kylo,” Rey said softly. “Forget about dinner. Just come over here and we'll talk it out, okay?”

“I don't suppose Finn is going to like that very much.”

“I don't really care what Finn likes,” Rey said firmly. “You need a friend right now, and I'm going to be one.”

“Rey, you don't have to do this.”

“Yes, I do,” Rey said, her voice softening. “Whether you hated him or not, you just lost someone close to you, and I know what that's like. Let me help you.”

Kylo knew better than to think that Rey was talking about him. “This is different than your parents.”

“Yeah, well, I hated them about as much as you hated Snoke, I reckon,” Rey replied. “I know it's not the same, but I can help. So just get over here.”

“I'll be there in about five minutes,” Kylo said, and they hung up the phone. 

Kylo made his way through the winding streets to the house that he had bought for Rey and Finn. He pulled into the driveway and parked, and he was halfway up the sidewalk when the front door opened and Rey came striding out. She was wearing a beautiful blue party dress and her hair was in some sort of up do, and Kylo ached with yearning for her. She approached him slowly but then she was in his arms, and he held her as close as he could, burying his face in her neck and allowing the tears to fall.

“It's okay, Kylo,” Rey murmured. “I've got you.”

They stood there until Poe's voice drifted out from the house. “Finn and I are going to start cooking dinner, you guys. Better come inside before the rain starts.”

Kylo broke away from Rey and looked up at the storm clouds. “I didn't even notice the clouds.”

Rey just shook her head and linked her hand together with Kylo's, leading him into the house. “Finn!” she called out. “We'll be upstairs!”

“Whatever!” Finn called back, clearly unhappy.

Rey lead Kylo up the stairs and into one of the rooms, and Kylo looked around to see that the office that had been set up in there was gone, replaced by big, overstuffed armchairs and large bookshelves. “This is new.”

“I've always wanted a library,” Rey said, letting go of Kylo's hand to move the two chairs closer together. “So I made myself one.”

“It's nice,” Kylo said, sinking down into one of the chairs and rubbing his hands over his face. “I'm sorry, Rey. This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go.”

“It's okay,” Rey said, sitting down and linking their fingers together again. “You need this more than a friendly dinner. Now talk.”

Kylo sat there and fought back more tears. “I thought of it in the car. The reason why I'm so upset.”

Rey squeezed his hand lightly. “Do you want to tell me what it is?”

“I'm crying because he believed in me,” Kylo choked out. “All the bass players in the country and he picked me. I never understood why, and now I never will. He made me feel like I was someone special because of that. He believed in me and that belief made me ruin my life beyond repair and now he's gone and I'm left with these pieces and I don't even know what to say or do or think.”

Rey reached out and brushed a lock of hair from Kylo's face, her touch as gentle as Kylo remembered it. “You didn't think you were someone special before?”

“No,” Kylo answered after a minute. “I was this boring professor of this boring subject. I'd done exactly what it was my parents had always wanted for me once they realized I idolized my grandfather the way I did. Luke never said anything to me to make me feel like I stood out among the many fellow students and then colleagues we had. The only thing that made me feel special was you, and you're so amazing and perfect and everything I've ever dreamed of and more, and yet as soon as Snoke came around and started seducing me into that band, I gave you up.”

Rey was silent, but she squeezed Kylo's hand again. 

“I just used the right word there, the word I've been searching for in my sessions with BB-8. He seduced me, the way you would seduce someone into an affair, and then he seduced me into a separation. I didn't have an affair with a woman, I had an affair with a guitar and a band,” Kylo said, his voice cracking every once and awhile. 

“And every step of the way, every note I played, I went further and further away from the life I knew and into this world that Snoke created and I hated it. I hated it and I hated him, the way you would hate your mistress after you realize what you left behind. But I'd already ruined us, so there was no turning back. And he played on that, reminding me constantly that I was only there because he'd chosen me, and he could replace me any time that he wanted to. He had all the power over me, but you know what, Rey? I think he did those things because in reality, I had all the power over him and the band. The minute I said I was done, the whole thing would fall apart. And that's what it did, and it apparently got to him so much that he killed himself over it. Now I have that on my conscience.”

Rey dropped down to her knees in front of Kylo, reaching out and holding his head to make sure he was looking at her. “His death is not on your conscience, Kylo. Don't you even think that.”

“How can I not?” Kylo asked. “Phasma said he left a note saying he couldn't carry on knowing he'd ruined our lives. Well, he didn't ruin my life, I ruined it by leaving all of you here. He killed himself because of something that I did.”

“No,” Rey murmured. “No, no, no, no, no. You listen to me, Benjamin Solo. This is not your fault. Not even a single bit of it. Don't you dare blame yourself for this.”

“I have to.”

Rey stood up and sat down in his lap, pulling Kylo to her. “You told me for years that the accident wasn't my fault. That they were on their way to pick me up not because I stayed late at school and missed the bus and therefore dinner, but because they were doing what parents do. I finally believe that, thanks to our long talks and BB-8. So you listen to me when I tell you this isn't your fault, okay? I wouldn't lie to you, not about this. Never about this.”

Kylo nodded against her, and Rey sighed with relief. “I think you need an emergency session with BB-8 tomorrow.”

“I agree,” Kylo murmured. “I don't know how to get one though.”

“I'll call and set it up in the morning,” Rey said, running a hand over Kylo's hair. “I'll take care of everything.”

“Supposed to meet Phasma at Starfighter for breakfast.”

“She's here? I thought she called you?”

“Nope, she's here,” Kylo mumbled. “Hux and Phasma want to know if I'll go to the funeral. I wish they would have just left me alone.”

“Are you going to go to the funeral?” Rey asked softly.

“I can't,” Kylo said. “Not with this on my conscience.”

“Stop,” Rey warned. “Promise me you'll stop.”

“I can't promise you that.”

Rey bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of Kylo's head. “I know you can do it.”

“Dinner's ready!” came Finn's voice, and Kylo sat up, blinking away tears.

“I guess we should go downstairs.”

“We will in a minute,” Rey said, reaching out to wipe away Kylo's tears. “I want to make sure you're alright first.”

Kylo gave her a weak smile. “I'm better than I was when I got here.”

Rey smiled at him. “Then that's a good thing.”

“I miss you, Rey,” Kylo said softly. “I miss moments like this, when it's just the two of us and we're connected like this.”

Rey slowly stood up and held out her hand to Kylo. “I miss them too. But I don't know...”

“If we can ever have another one,” Kylo said, taking Rey's hand and standing up. “I get it.”

“I was going to say I don't know when I'll be ready,” Rey said quietly, letting go of Kylo's hand. “I don't know when I'll be ready for another intimate moment like this. But I think I will be, someday.”

“Then I will wait for someday,” Kylo said, smiling genuinely. “Because I really do miss you. And I love you more now than I did before.”

Rey took a deep breath, thought about it, and smiled. “I still love you too, you know. Now let's go eat dinner. I think you need some time with some friends.”

Rey walked out of the room but Kylo stayed there, her words swirling around in his head.

Rey still loved him. She somehow still loved him. 

Kylo shook himself from the thought and started to walk out of the room. 

He didn't deserve her love.


	20. clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapter day! make sure you read them both!

In the end, Kylo went to the funeral. He didn't do it for himself, and he sure as hell didn't do it for Hux and Phasma, but he did it for Snoke. A small repayment of the belief that Snoke had had in him, a belief that he would now never understand. 

His mother was waiting for him in the airport when he got off the plane, and Kylo stooped to hug her gently. “Hi Mama.”

“Hello, Kylo,” Leia said softly, linking her arm in his and guiding him towards the baggage claim. “I know you don't want to talk about it, but I thought you looked very composed on the footage the television showed.”

Kylo groaned. “Someone filmed it?”

“Apparently so,” Leia said. “He was apparently a very popular figure.”

“He was an asshole.”

Leia reached up and smacked him lightly on the shoulder. “Do not speak ill of the dead.”

“I'm not speaking ill, I'm speaking the truth,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “Of course they filmed the funeral. Absolutely everything about First Order is news, even that.”

“Yes, well, the television transitioned from the funeral to news that First Order is searching for a new bassist, so I understand that.” Leia fell silent for a moment. “You are letting them replace you?”

“Yes,” Kylo said firmly. “I'm never going back to that band. That band cost me everything.”

“It also gave you a lot,” Leia murmured. “And I'm not just talking about the number in your bank account.”

They approached baggage claim and Kylo grabbed his suitcase, and it wasn't until they were seated in Leia's car and on the way to his apartment that he spoke again. “What do you think First Order gave me besides money and a new name?”

“Resolve,” Leia said softly. “Kylo Ren is unsure of himself and hates himself, but he has resolve. He knows what he wants now, and he's not going to stop until he gets it.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “You've been talking to Rey.”

“Of course,” Leia said. “Your girlfriend is one of my best friends.”

“She's not my girlfriend.”

“She will be soon enough,” Leia said firmly. “I know that she told you that she still loves you.”

“It doesn't matter.”

Leia glanced over at him. “You still don't believe that you deserve it.”

“I know I don't.”

“Oh son,” Leia said, pulling up to a red light and reaching over to put a hand on Kylo's knee. “Hasn't the work you've been doing with BB-8 made you realize that you deserve everything in the world?”

“I don't deserve to have the things that I destroyed,” Kylo said, almost automatically. “I destroyed the love that existed between me and Rey. I do not deserve to ever have that love again.”

“Well, the longer you believe that, the more of an idiot you're going to be when you get it back,” Leia said, bringing her hand back to the wheel. “Just make sure you're not so much of a masochist that you deny Rey what you both will want.”

“She won't want it,” Kylo mumbled, turning to look out the window. 

“She already does. She's just not sure how she feels about that yet. You're not the only one cautious of being hurt again. It's just that you're being so cautious that you're actively denying yourself things that you could have.”

“Like what?”

“Like your family,” Leia said, her voice softening. “Other than driving you to and picking you up from the airport, none of us have seen you since the dinner, and that was nearly a month ago.”

“I thought I made myself clear during the dinner,” Kylo snapped. “Until you all are willing to admit to me how much you hate me, I'm staying away.”

“We don't hate you,” Leia countered back. “I don't think it's physically possible for me to hate you. You're my son.”

“Your son is dead.”

“You're still my son, whether you have a new name or not,” Leia said firmly. “What you think everyone should feel towards you and what everyone actually feels towards you are two entirely different things. Do I need to ask Brian to spell that out for you in a session?”

“I would prefer you didn't speak to my therapist at all, actually,” Kylo said, sighing. “I told him I have to earn it.”

“Earn what?”

“Forgiveness, Mama!” Kylo yelled. “I don't get to just walk back into everyone's life and hear that everything's fine! I abandoned all of you, and you act like I just went on a vacation to New York and came back two years later!”

“Kylo,” Leia said, reaching out to put a hand on Kylo's shoulder, “I forgave you the first time I saw you on television, performing with that band. I knew at that moment you had left to do something you were passionate about. Don't think that I didn't know that you didn't like the monotony of your life at the university. I noticed it, Luke noticed it, Rey noticed it, everybody noticed it. Sometimes I wondered if we would have been better off encouraging you to become a writer like your grandfather instead of guiding you away from it.”

Silence descended upon the car for the rest of the ride to Kylo's apartment building, and once they were there, Kylo took his suitcase from the car and started heading to the elevator. Leia followed and when she entered the elevator along with him, Kylo just shook his head. “You don't want to see my apartment.”

“Of course I do,” Leia said, smiling at him. “I'm determined to be involved in your life whether you want me to be or not.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “It's not that I don't want you to be in my life, Mama. It's that I haven't earned it.”

“I think I should be the one to decide that, shouldn't I? I should be the one to decide when to forgive you, not the other way around. And I decided to do that a long time ago.”

Kylo stepped out of the elevator when it reached his floor, and Leia followed him to the apartment across from Luke's. “Oh, you really are right across the hall, aren't you? How wonderful.”

“That's one way of putting it,” Kylo said, sticking the key in the lock and opening up the door. He held it open and waved towards it. “The apartment.”

Leia smiled at him and walked through the door, and Kylo barely got the door closed behind him when Leia spun around and looked at him. “When was the last time you cleaned this place?”

“Uh, never?” Kylo said, walking around her and into his bedroom. “You know I've never been good with that.”

Leia just shook her head and walked into the kitchen, opening up cabinets to see what was there. “Well, there's our afternoon plans then.”

Kylo walked out of his bedroom shaking his head. “Absolutely not, Mama. You're leaving.”

“Kylo, if you ever want Rey to come over here, you're going to have to clean this place up,” Leia stated, looking at him over her shoulder. “Do you not even own cleaning supplies?”

“There's a broom,” Kylo offered weakly. “Seriously, Mama, go home.”

“Nonsense,” Leia said, walking over to him and putting a hand on his face. “Let's go to the store, get the appropriate supplies, come back, put some music on, and get to work. It'll make you feel better and you know it.”

“Why would it make me feel better?”

“Because cleaning is something normal,” Leia said, heading towards the door. “Isn't that one of the things you came back here for? To be normal again? That might be a good place to start, you know. Besides, I know that Rey will have you cleaning half that house once you move in to it. You should at least know how to do it properly.”

Kylo watched as Leia opened the door and walked out, and he sighed heavily before following her. “That house is for her and Finn, not for her and me.”

“Nonsense,” Leia said. “And don't think she doesn't know that. I've spoken to her, remember.”

“Why does it feel like everyone knows more about me than I do anymore?”

Leia just smiled at him while they waited for the elevator. “If you weren't wallowing in misery, you'd know yourself too. You haven't changed that much, darling.”

Kylo sighed. “Feels like I have.”

“Then we're going to get to know you all over again,” Leia said, stepping into the elevator when the doors opened. “While we're cleaning today. Forget the music, we'll just talk like we used to. We'll both learn who you are today.”

Kylo wanted to tell her no, but he was so overwhelmed by the feeling of acceptance that he just nodded. “Okay. But do we really have to clean?”

“Yes.”


	21. therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapter day! make sure you read them both!
> 
> btw, the sierra demulder quote in this is a real one, and a great one, imo.

Kylo brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, staring off into space. “I cannot forgive myself. That's my problem.”

“Your problem is that you are refusing to allow yourself to work towards forgiveness,” BB-8 said, taking off his glasses for a moment. “Can I give you a quote that I think might help?”

“You love quotes.”

“I do,” BB-8 said. “Quotes mean that other people have said what I'm trying to say without me having to actually be articulate enough to say it myself.”

Kylo laughed. “I think you're pretty articulate as it is, but go ahead, give me another quote.”

“This one is from Sierra DeMulder,” BB-8 said, putting his glasses back on and looking down at his notes. “'You are drawing a map to forgiveness, where you live, where you already are – you just don't know it yet.' And I think that's the truth with you. You are doing all the right things for forgiveness to come, you just refuse to admit it and therefore you don't know it yet.”

Kylo was silent for a moment. “How can I ever forgive myself for hurting Rey so deeply? And you know how deeply I hurt her. I know she's told you all about it.”

“You need to remember that she is not the only one who you hurt.”

“My family, I know.”

“I'm not talking about your family. I'm talking about you.” BB-8 twirled his pen around his fingers for a moment. “Listen, Kylo, there's only so much I can do if you're not willing to work with me.”

“I am.”

“You're not. We haven't made any progress on this because you refuse to allow yourself to make progress on this,” BB-8 said firmly. “We talk through the same things over and over and over but we never move into processing them. You think you don't deserve anyone's forgiveness. But you know as well as I do that the only way you're ever going to feel like you deserve anyone's forgiveness is to forgive yourself. And you refuse to do that. Your excuses for not doing so are getting weaker and weaker.”

Kylo put his forehead on his knees and took a deep breath. “If I forgive myself, it means I have to admit what it is I did. And part of me is still the piece of shit that was in that band that kept telling himself that he did nothing wrong. I don't want to admit I did something wrong.”

“Finally,” BB-8 said, smiling. “So you can't forgive yourself because you're a selfish asshole who doesn't want to admit that you did anything wrong.”

“Yes.” Kylo looked up and saw BB-8's smile. “Why are you smiling?”

“Because we finally have a problem we can process,” BB-8 said. “You came back here to stop being the man in the band. So why can't you admit that you aren't the man in the band anymore?”

“Because I'm not.”

“Would the man in the band be in therapy?”

Kylo shook his head. “No.”

“Would the man in the band care about other people?”

“No.”

“Would the man in the band admit that he loved his family?”

Kylo sighed heavily. “I get where you're going with this.”

“Then are you still the man in the band?” BB-8 asked.

Kylo sat there for a moment. “I am Kylo Ren. I will always be the man who was in that band.”

“That's not what I asked you.”

Kylo ran a hand through his hair. “No, I'm not the man in the band anymore.”

“Good. It's good that you can admit that. I wasn't sure if you'd do it or not,” BB-8 said. “Now, tell me who you are now.”

“I'm Kylo Ren.”

“Who is Kylo Ren?”

“Kylo Ren is the man who was in that band.”

BB-8 shook his head. “No, that's not the answer. Who is Kylo Ren? What does he do on a day to day basis?”

“Sits in his apartment wallowing in misery,” Kylo said. “Why does that matter?”

“You've lost your purpose,” BB-8 noted. “You may not have liked yourself when you were in the band, but you had something to do. You had appearances to make, you had songs to write, you had performances. There were tours, there were parties, etc. What does Kylo Ren have now?”

“An empty apartment and nothing to do,” Kylo murmured, thoughts swirling in his head. “So what, I need like a job or something? I have no need to work ever again.”

“Not all people work because they need the money,” BB-8 pointed out. “Some people continue working simply because they need to be occupied.”

“Like my father,” Kylo said. “Retired Air Force pilot who works in a hardware store.”

“I think you and your father might have that in common,” BB-8 said. “So what would Kylo Ren like to do? What could be something to keep him occupied?”

“Writing,” Kylo said automatically, then paused to think about it. “I always did want to be a writer like my grandfather.”

“What would you write?”

“I actually know how to answer that,” Kylo laughed. “I've always had this scenario in the back of my head. Space stuff, a galaxy far, far away, a big war brewing. I've just never taken the time to actually write it.”

“Maybe you should.”

Kylo shook his head. “I don't even own a computer.”

“Well, I think that Kylo Ren can probably afford a laptop,” BB-8 said, making Kylo laugh. “I think this is a good place to end today. Think about who Kylo Ren really is, and maybe go invest in that laptop.”

Kylo nodded and stood up, reaching out to shake BB-8's hand. “I will.”

“See you next week.”

Kylo walked out of the office and made his way to his car, getting in and starting it up. The radio blared to life, First Order's final single blasting out of the speakers, and Kylo immediately turned if off. He leaned back in his seat and thought about what he had to do the rest of the day – nothing – and what it was he could do for the rest of the day – writing – before backing the car out of the space and driving towards the mall.

An hour later he was back at his apartment with a brand new laptop and Microsoft Office, and after getting it all set up, he reached for the bottle of bourbon he'd brought to the sofa with him, took a long sip, and then started typing.


	22. writing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i continue to be completely overwhelmed by the support this story is getting so thank you all so very much for letting me know that you like it. really, it means a lot to me. <3

Kylo wrote for days. In fact, he did practically nothing else. Sometimes he ate, a lot of times he drank, but he ignored the rest of the world. All phone calls went to his voice mail and he never listened to those. He could hear Luke out in the hallway but never went to see how he was.

All he did was write.

And then, his phone rang again. But this time, it wasn't the standard ring that he had assigned to everyone else; it was the special ring that he had assigned to Rey. Quickly saving his work, Kylo lunged for the phone. “Hello?”

“Are you alright?” came Rey's worried voice. “You're not answering your phone, you're not answering your door. Everyone is afraid.”

Kylo took a deep breath. “I'm fine, I promise. I just started a new project and have been sort of overwhelmed by it.”

“So overwhelmed that you've ignored the outside world for nine days?”

“Nine days?” Kylo quickly glanced at the date on the laptop screen. “Shit, I didn't realize it had been so long. I honestly thought I was on day three.”

“What on earth has got you so overwhelmed that you've lost track of time?” Rey asked. “You're usually very punctual.”

“I'm not sure I want to answer that,” Kylo said after a minute. “I mean, what I'm doing is probably nonsense in the long run, but I just had to do it. Blame BB-8. He's the one that got me started on this.”

“BB-8? Kylo, seriously, what are you doing? I'm coming over there.”

“Rey, you don't have to come over here,” Kylo started to say, but he heard the click that indicated the call was over. Sighing, he looked at the room around him. “Fuck, Mama, why'd you have to get me started with the cleaning?”

He set the laptop to the side and stood up, picking up the various plates and bottles that were strewn across his bed and the floor. By the time there was a knock at his door fifteen minutes later, the room was clean enough that he wasn't embarrassed to let Rey in.

Kylo made his way to the door and opened it, finding a very worried Rey standing on the other side. 

“Well, at least you're not dead,” she said, making her way into the apartment. “Kylo, what is going on?”

Kylo shut the door behind her and locked it, then turned to face her. “I'm too embarrassed to tell you.”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “Tell me.”

Kylo took a deep breath and wandered into his bedroom, coming back out with the laptop. “I bought a laptop.”

“So you've been hiding in your apartment for nine days because you bought a laptop?” Rey glared at him. “Tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I've been writing,” Kylo said after a moment. “Remember the space scenario I always told you I wanted to write? I've been writing it.”

Rey's eyes widened and then a smile broke out across her face. “Really?”

Kylo nodded, walking over to the sofa and sitting down. “I'm sure it's shit, but BB-8 told me I needed to occupy myself, so this is what I've been doing.”

Rey sat down next to him, reaching for the laptop and scrolling up through the Word document. “Damn, you've written a lot.”

“Yeah, I'm starting to think it needs to be a series,” Kylo murmured. “There's so much stuff to tell. So many generations of this family that is the spine of the story.”

“God, you're even using the names that you used to talk about,” Rey said. “Tell me about the family again.”

“Well, it's a really screwed up family, actually. It starts with Hayden, he's the patriarch of the family, but he betrays his wife Natalie and goes to the dark side of the force. Light and dark, remember, there's the two sides, light and dark. So Hayden goes to the dark side and the heartbreak kills Natalie, but not before she gives birth to twins, Mark and Carrie. The twins are separated at birth, don't even know about each other until they're adults.”

“Oh that's right,” Rey said, smiling. “He ends up saving her from their father without them knowing that Hayden's their father. I can't believe you're actually writing this. I mean, you used to talk about it, sure, but to actually be doing it...”

Rey trailed off and looked over at Kylo with a bright smile. “I think it's fantastic that you're doing this. But you don't need to shut yourself away from the world, okay?”

“I honestly did lose track of time,” Kylo said, stifling a yawn.

Rey's eyes narrowed again. “When was the last time you slept?”

Kylo sat there for a moment before shrugging. “I honestly don't know.”

Rey closed the laptop and set it on the coffee table, standing up and holding out her hand to Kylo. “Okay, that's it, you're going to bed for awhile.”

“I'm wide awake.”

“You're running on adrenaline and, from the smell, alcohol. You're headed towards a big crash and I know what you're like when that happens. So, come on. Bed.”

Kylo took her hand and stood up, pulling her into an embrace. “Don't tell anyone about the writing, okay?”

Rey rested her head on Kylo's shoulder and sighed. “Everyone is terrified that you've done something stupid like try to kill yourself, you know.”

“Well, you can reassure them that I haven't done anything stupid,” Kylo said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Just please, not the writing.”

Rey pulled away and nodded. “Fine, but you're explaining yourself to them soon. You're lucky your mother didn't come over here.”

Kylo nodded and Rey took him by the hand, leading him towards the bedroom. Kylo stripped off his shirt while Rey pulled the bedcovers back, and then Kylo's eyes widened as Rey climbed into the bed. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you actually sleep,” Rey said, sliding over and patting the empty space beside her. “Come on, I know what you're like when you go on one of your binges. The only way you'll actually get some sleep is if I make you. Otherwise, the second I leave, you'll go get that laptop and be back at it again.”

Kylo stared at the bed for a moment before sitting down on the edge. “Are you sure about this?”

“It's sleep, Kylo, not sex,” Rey said firmly. “Now get in here.”

Kylo maneuvered himself so he was lying down and he threw the bedcovers over him, letting his head rest on the pillow. Rey shifted close to him and laid her head on his chest, and Kylo's arm automatically wrapped around her shoulders. They laid there in silence for a few minutes before Kylo took a deep breath. “This is nice.”

“Yeah,” Rey said softly. “It is.”

“You know I don't deserve your forgiveness, right?”

“So I've heard,” Rey said, slinging an arm across Kylo's waist. “But you don't get to make that decision.”

“So you've forgiven me?”

“No,” Rey murmured. “But we're getting closer.”

“I know that I can never replace what we had before,” Kylo said softly. “But I would like to at least be your friend.”

Rey sighed. “You are my friend, Kylo. You've always been my friend. I honestly can't imagine my life without you in it in some capacity, which is why I had such a hard time when you left. I didn't just lose my love, I lost my best friend too. Don't ever tell Finn I said that though.”

Kylo laughed. “Don't worry, I won't. Probably shouldn't tell him about us being in bed together either.”

“Probably not,” Rey said, smiling. “I don't like the fact that you hate yourself, you know. I'd do anything to make that go away.”

“Only I can do that,” Kylo said. “I'm working on it. It's just hard. I hurt you all so much.”

“Yes, you did,” Rey said. “But in the end, we're all going to forgive you for it. It's just going to take time.”

“Time just makes it worse for me,” Kylo admitted. “I want it to be like a bandage. Just rip it off, feel the pain, and then be done with it.”

Rey shook her head. “You know it doesn't work that way. We fought enough that you have to know that.”

“Fighting with you is some of the stupidest stuff I've ever done,” Kylo said. “You were always right.”

“Not always,” Rey pointed out. “But most of the time.”

“Rey?”

“What?”

“There's this character that's going to come up later in the book,” Kylo said softly. “Her name is Daisy, and when I picture her in my mind, she looks just like you. So I was wondering if it would be okay if I copied your hairstyle for Daisy's. The three bun trademark. It would really fit in with her character.”

Rey was silent for a moment. “You picture me as a character?”

“Yes,” Kylo said. “I never had this character in the scenario until I met you, and then the whole next generation of the family came together in an instant. Daisy Ridley, long lost daughter of Mark's. She grows up alone on this desert planet and she's a scavenger when the galactic war that's going on basically lands on her doorstep and she has to decide whether to stay or fight.”

“Fight?”

“Yeah, Daisy's pretty much a badass. She could kick anybody's ass.”

Rey laughed. “I like that.”

“And she has this friend, her first real friend actually, John. Well, he starts life as JN-2187, a stormtrooper without a name. This pilot that he escapes with, Oscar, he gives him the name John. But Daisy and John go on this big adventure together, fighting for the side of Light. I'm not even close to writing that part now, I'm still on Hayden and Natalie's story, but I think that would be a good third book in the series.”

Rey laughed again. “You really are serious about writing all of this, aren't you?”

“Dead serious,” Kylo said, smiling. “I might even let my grandfather read it when it's done, see what he thinks about it.”

“And if he likes it?”

“Then that will make me happy.”

“What if he thinks you should publish it?”

Kylo laughed. “I highly doubt that would happen.”

“But what if it does?” Rey pushed.

“Then I guess I have something to think about,” Kylo said. “Can you imagine it? Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, former member of First Order, a published author of some sort of space opera. I think my fans would think I've lost my mind.”

Rey chuckled. “Your fans, hm?”

“I've been checking my twitter account,” Kylo admitted. “So many people tweet at me that they want me back in the band, and no matter how many tweets I post saying that I'm never going back, they just don't get it.”

“They will eventually,” Rey said. “It takes a long time to adjust when something you love is there and then suddenly not.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “I'm sorry for abandoning you.”

“I know you are,” Rey murmured, closing her eyes. “Now come on, let's get some sleep. You definitely need it.”

Kylo didn't say anything else, just closed his eyes and let himself feel Rey's body against his. It felt natural; it felt right. 

Right then and there, Kylo decided he had to forgive himself. Because if he forgave himself, maybe Rey could forgive him too.

And if Rey could forgive him, maybe he'd get this back on a permanent basis.

Maybe.


	23. luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three chapter day! make sure you read them all!

Rey was carefully closing the door to Kylo's apartment, trying to make sure he wouldn't wake up, when she heard the small cough from behind her. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and found Luke staring at her, a curious look on his face.

“Slipping out of Kylo's at five a.m. for the third time this week,” he murmured. “Anything you want to share?”

Rey felt a blush cross her cheeks, though she wasn't entirely sure why. “Nothing's going on.”

“I'm not trying to push,” Luke said, holding up his hands. “Just wondering.”

Rey sighed and leaned up against the wall next to the door. “He's working on this project, and you know how he gets when he's working on a project. The only time I can be sure he's getting some sleep is if I come over here and make him.”

“Ah,” Luke said, nodding. “So you're sleeping on the sofa then.”

Rey blushed again and felt like this time it was deserved. “No, in the bed.”

“With him on the sofa?”

“No,” Rey said softly. “Why are you asking me this?”

Luke let out a laugh. “You're the closest thing I'm ever going to have to a daughter, Rey. I guess I'm trying to be fatherly.”

Rey pushed herself off the wall and crossed the hall, giving Luke a big hug. “You're being a bit too fatherly right now.”

Luke returned the embrace and smiled. “I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. That there's a specific end to this, because I don't want you to lead him on.”

Rey could hear the ghost of Mara Jade in Luke's voice, but she didn't bring it up. “I'm not leading him on. I just haven't forgiven him yet, and even if I do...it's going to take a long time to get back to where we were.”

“I know,” Luke murmured, pulling back to look at Rey. “I just want you to be sure.”

Rey sighed. “I love him. He's...well, he's it. And it's either forgive him or be alone, and I know which one you'd prefer for me.”

“It's not forgive him or be alone,” Luke said, shaking his head. “You could always move on.”

Rey shook her head in return. “There is no moving on from him. The last two years taught me that.”

“You sure?”

Rey nodded. “I'm sure.”

Luke leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Make sure you show up for class today.”

Rey blushed again. “About that, I...”

“Felt there was an emergency with Kylo,” Luke said, smiling at her. “I know, he told me.”

Rey's brow furrowed. “He told you?”

“Saw him in the hallway that day, invited him over for dinner. I told him I was worried because you missed class, he told me about the emergency. It's alright, Rey. Given his current mental state, I would have abandoned plans and rushed to his side too.”

Rey nodded. “I promise I'll come to the office today and we can talk about what I missed.”

“Not necessary,” Luke said. “Just read chapter forty. You're intelligent enough to understand it without the lecture I gave.”

Rey quickly pulled her phone from her pocket and typed herself a note. “Done.”

“Have you read any of the book?” Luke asked. “Because if he can creatively write anything like his thesis paper was, he's probably a better writer than my father is.”

“He'll never agree with that,” Rey laughed. “But yeah, I've read some of it. It's really good.”

“Make sure he lets my father read it,” Luke said, turning back towards his apartment. “If he's going to be putting so much work into it, the least he deserves is to find out whether or not it's publishable.”

“I'll try,” Rey said, looking back at the door. “Keep an eye on him for me?”

“Of course,” Luke said, smiling. “I'll see you later.”

Rey nodded and headed towards the elevator, making her way down and out of the building. She'd just gotten in her car when her phone rang, and she quickly reached for it. “Hello?”

“This is the third night this week,” came Finn's stern voice. “Where the hell are you?”

“Luke's,” Rey lied.

“Are you sure you weren't across the hall from Luke's?”

Rey took a deep breath. “What would it matter if I had been?”

“Oh my God, Rey, come on,” Finn exclaimed. “What the hell are you thinking?”

“That he needs me,” Rey said, shaking her head. “I don't expect you to understand.”

“Well good, because I don't,” Finn said, and a voice in the background drifted through the phone, causing Rey to chuckle.

“Tell Jessika I said hello.”

“God damn you,” Finn muttered, yelling out Rey's greeting. “She says hi back.”

“See, you can't even be mad that I'm not there because you're obviously taking advantage of it,” Rey said, leaning back in her seat. “I've got to get to work. Poe scheduled me for first shift today.”

“Better you than me,” Finn said. “Fine, but you are explaining yourself to me when you get home.”

“I don't have to do that.”

“I'm your best friend.”

“That doesn't mean I have to explain myself to you.”

Finn sighed heavily. “Fine, ruin your life again. I'll just be here to pick up the pieces.”

“I'm not ruining my life again,” Rey said seriously. “I know what I'm doing.”

“Whatever. See you tonight.”

Finn hung up the phone so Rey set hers aside, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot. She was halfway to Starfighter when the phone rang again, and a quick glance at it told her it was Kylo. But instead of reaching for it, she just let it go to voice mail.

When she arrived at Starfighter and parked, she reached for the phone and stared at the message indicating a new voice mail. Shaking her head, she took a deep breath and got out of the car, leaving the phone sitting in the passenger seat.

She needed a few Kylo free hours to make sure she knew what she was doing. 

Because she wasn't leading Kylo on, she just hadn't forgiven him yet.

Which she was going to do.

Wasn't she?


	24. book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three chapter day! make sure you've read them all!

Kylo sat nervously in his grandparents' living room, casually listening to his grandmother go on about some quilt she was in the process of making. His mind was with his grandfather, however. Anakin was in his office downstairs, finishing up the last bits of the story Kylo had given him to read. He'd been expecting a phone call in a week or so, not an invitation to come over the very next day.

“He loves it,” Padmé finally said, drawing Kylo's attention to her. “He hasn't been able to put it down.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “It's not that I don't believe you Grandma, it's just...”

“You want to hear it from him,” Padmé said, nodding. “I understand. I just want you to know that I'm proud of you, Kylo. I know you've wanted to write that book for a long time, and the fact that you've actually done it is wonderful. I can't wait to read it myself.”

“You're going to read it?” Kylo asked, surprised.

“Of course I am,” Padmé said proudly. “My grandson wrote a book! It's a tremendous achievement and I cannot wait to read it.”

Kylo went to respond but was interrupted by Jar Jar running into the room, Anakin close behind. His nervousness grew as Anakin sat down in a chair next to Padmé, smiling at her before turning to him.

“There's so many things I could say,” Anakin said. “I'm not really sure where to start.”

“How about with how bad it is?” Kylo suggested. “Just get that part over with.”

“Bad?” Anakin laughed. “You think it's bad?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to think?”

Anakin laughed again. “It needs a little polishing, but that's one of the best books I've ever read, Kylo. It's the antithesis of bad.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “Really?”

“I wouldn't lie to you, Benjamin,” Anakin said. “Not about this. Now I just want your permission to send this to my agent. It needs to be published.”

“Published?” Kylo sat back on the sofa and ran his hands over his face. “Seriously? You're not just saying this to try and make me feel better?”

“I think I have demonstrated in the past that I will tell you the truth when I'm not happy with you or what you do with your time,” Anakin said seriously. “I take it this is the first in a series? You left the ending wide open.”

“Yes,” Kylo said. “A trilogy, I was thinking. This first book is Hayden and Natalie's story. The second will be Mark and Carrie's, and the third will be Adam and Daisy's.”

“Adam and Daisy?”

“Adam is Carrie's son. Daisy is Mark's daughter. I've got it all planned out.”

Anakin smiled. “I'm happy for you, Kylo. It seems like you've finally found what you were born to do.”

“I always did want to be a writer,” Kylo admitted. “But Mama and Dad, they encouraged me to pursue other things.”

“That's because your mother still has memories of Ani being locked in his office all day, every day,” Padmé said, looking over at Anakin. “She was determined that you weren't going to lock yourself away like that.”

“Yeah, I just ruined my life in other ways,” Kylo murmured. “You're being serious, Grandpa. You want to send the book to your agent.”

“I want to send the book to my agent,” Anakin repeated. “And he's going to give it directly to my publisher. It'll need a little editing, and you might have to go to Los Angeles for that, but it's really close to a finished product. How long did it take you to write this?”

“A month,” Kylo said, his mind spinning with everything Anakin had said. “I pretty much did nothing but write for a month.”

Padmé laughed. “Like grandfather, like grandson. Ani does things like that all the time. I just make sure he eats and sleeps at some point.”

Kylo smiled. “Rey did that for me.”

“Is that so?” Padmé asked, a smile on her face. “You're getting closer.”

“She hasn't forgiven me yet,” Kylo said, taking a a deep breath. “But I've decided that I've forgiven myself. The past is the past and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions, but I don't need to hate myself because of them. I had a big session with BB-8 about it yesterday. He thinks I've made tremendous progress over the last month. I think writing my feelings out helped a lot. There's a lot of personal stuff in that book.”

“There's always personal stuff in books,” Anakin said. “It wouldn't be any good if there wasn't. But I agree with your grandmother on this. You're getting closer to her. That's a good thing.”

“I'm trying,” Kylo admitted. “I don't want to push her though. And if she decides we can't be anything but friends, then I'll understand that.”

Padmé shook her head. “You two have never just been friends, Kylo. And you never will be either. Trust me on that one.”

“You should go see her,” Anakin said. “Tell her the good news.”

Kylo looked back and forth between his grandparents. “Why do I feel like you're not telling me something?”

Anakin laughed as Padmé smiled. “I suppose that's for you to figure out, now isn't it? Go see Rey, darling.”

Kylo stood up and walked over to his grandparents, bending down to give them each a hug. “I don't like it when you gang up on me.”

“Don't worry about it,” Padmé said. “It's something quite wonderful.”

Kylo shook his head and sighed. “I'll see you two later.”

“Cannot wait for the Cantina tonight!” Anakin called out as Kylo walked away. “I've been waiting impatiently to see you play C-3PO alongside Luke and R2.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “Tonight.”

He made his way out of the house and got in his car, and soon he was on his way to Starfighter. He arrived at the café and went inside, letting the hostess seat him and waving at Poe when he walked in the door. He sat there for a minute before Rey approached the table, a bright smile on her face. “Good afternoon, Rey.”

“How'd it go?” Rey asked, excitement in her voice. “Tell me Anakin loved it.”

“Grandpa loved it,” Kylo said, a grin spreading across his face. “He wants to send it to his agent and his publisher.”

Rey squealed with delight and rounded the table, bending down to hug Kylo. She pressed a brief kiss to his lips before pulling back, and Kylo watched her with admiring eyes. “I'm so happy for you, Kylo,” she said. “I know how much work you put into that book.”

“I couldn't have done it without you,” Kylo said seriously. “So I want to take you out to celebrate.”

Rey blinked a couple of times before clearing her throat. “Take me out to celebrate?”

“I'm not suggesting a date, so you can calm down,” Kylo said softly. “Maz convinced me to play with Luke at the Cantina tonight. I was going to say we should meet there and have a drink or something.”

The smile on Rey's face got wider. “Yeah, that sounds great. I cannot wait to hear you and Luke play together again.”

“I'm nervous about it to be honest. Not entirely sure I'm ready to get back on a stage, but that's what I'm going to do,” Kylo said. “It's hard to say no to Maz.”

“Well, I'm glad you're doing it,” Rey said. “And I will definitely be there tonight, and I will let you buy me a drink.”

“Good,” Kylo said, picking up the menu and handing it to Rey. “Just give me my usual.”

Rey took the menu and tucked it under her arm. “Got it. And Kylo, be proud of yourself. Be happy.”

“I am,” Kylo answered honestly. “I really am.”

Rey grinned at him. “Good. Food should be out in about twenty.”

Kylo nodded as Rey walked away, and he took a deep breath. 

Tonight at the Cantina, he was going to take the stage with Luke.

Tonight at the Cantina, he was going to tell Rey that he'd forgiven himself and apologize sincerely for what he'd done.

One of those made him more nervous than the other, and it wasn't the one where he had to get on stage.


	25. talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote three chapters today so make sure you read them all!

Kylo walked into the Takodana Cantina and immediately clutched the handle of his guitar case tighter. There he was, in a place that was so familiar and yet so scary, and he was going back on stage to play for an audience like he'd swore he'd never ever do again.

He needed a drink.

He made his way to the bar and waved at Chewie, and before he could say anything, a bottle of his favorite kind of bourbon was being handed to him, shot glass dangling around the top of it. He nodded and headed towards the table that was informally Luke's, and as he approached he noticed her sitting there.

Rey had her hair down, flowing freely around her shoulders and looking as soft as he remembered it being. She was wearing a pretty black party dress, one he remembered from one of their last dates before he left, and as she turned towards him with that gorgeous smile, Kylo wanted her in his arms more than he ever had before. “Hello Rey.”

“Kylo,” Rey said, tapping the top of the chair next to her. “Sit down.”

Kylo walked over to the table and sat down in the chair, looking over at Rey with a smile on his face. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Rey said, reaching for her drink and taking a small sip. “You can buy the next one.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow at that. “The next one?”

Rey just shrugged. “I've got the entire day off tomorrow. I am determined to have fun tonight. Besides, I'm nervous.”

Kylo reached for his glass and set it down on the table, opening up the bottle and pouring himself a shot. “What are you nervous about?”

“This,” Rey said after a moment. “There's something I need to tell you, but the thought of doing it is making me very nervous. I don't know how you're going to react.”

Kylo knocked back his glass and glanced over at her. “Well, I have something I want to tell you as well, and I'm very nervous about it too.”

Rey watched as Kylo poured himself another shot, holding out her glass. “Toast to being honest?”

“I can toast to that,” Kylo said, clinking his glass against hers before knocking back his shot. “So who goes first?”

“I don't know.”

“Rock, paper, scissors for it?”

Rey laughed. “Deal.”

They both set their glasses down and turned towards each other, shaking their fists up and down three times before revealing their plays. Rey went with rock, but Kylo had gone with paper, and Rey groaned. 

“Guess I'm going first.” Rey pulled the straw out of her drink and took a large sip from the glass. “I've decided something. I must admit that when you first came back here, it was the furthest thing from my mind, but now...now it just feels right.”

Kylo knocked back another shot. “And what's that?”

“I forgive you, Benjamin Solo,” Rey said seriously. “Because that's who I forgive. You weren't Kylo Ren when you made your decision, you were still Ben. So I forgive Ben.”

Kylo nodded, pouring himself another shot. “So Ben has been forgiven. What about Kylo?”

“I think you need to tell me what you want to say first,” Rey said, looking over at him as Kylo knocked back another shot. “And don't get so drunk that you can't play with Luke.”

“Don't worry, I'm not,” Kylo said, setting his glass down and looking over at Rey. “I've decided that I've forgiven myself for what I did. It doesn't make my actions any less awful and horrific and painful, but there is absolutely no point to me hating myself over them, especially when I seem to be making progress in getting other people to forgive me for my actions.”

Rey reached out and grasped Kylo's hand. “That's great, Kylo. Really. That's such a huge thing to do.”

“BB-8 said the same thing,” Kylo said, turning his hand until he linked his fingers with Rey's. “So you forgive Ben and I forgive me. You still haven't said what you think about Kylo.”

Rey shifted closer to him, letting her head come to a rest on Kylo's shoulder. “I really like Kylo,” she said after a moment. “I'm not in love with him yet, but I think that given enough time, I could be. It will never be like it was before; it's just not possible for it to be. But I think that if it went slowly and built naturally, it could perhaps be better.”

Kylo let his eyes close and took a deep breath. “So you're saying...”

“I'm saying I want to go on a date with Kylo Ren,” Rey said seriously. “And then we'll see where things go from there.”

Kylo shifted around until he was looking in Rey's eyes, and he saw the truth radiating from them. “Then I guess it's a good thing I asked you out for a drink, isn't it?”

“You said it wasn't a date,” Rey pointed out.

“Because I didn't think you'd go on a date with me,” Kylo said. “But now you're telling me otherwise.”

“Yeah,” Rey said, smiling. “I am.”

Kylo closed the distance between them and kissed her softly, and Rey let a grin cross her face when they pulled apart. “You can do that a lot now, if you'd like.”

“I'd like,” Kylo said, leaning in for another kiss. They kissed for several minutes before a loud cough made them spring apart.

“Well, this is an interesting development,” Luke said, a grin on his face that said he knew the whole time. “It's about time, kids.”

Rey blushed slightly as Kylo laughed. “Luke! You're so embarrassing, you know that?”

“Sorry, Rey, but I had to interrupt. Maz wants us on stage.”

Kylo nodded and poured himself one last shot, knocking it back before standing up and grabbing the guitar case. “We can continue this later.”

“Damn right we will,” Rey said, laughing. “Now go make some beautiful music.”

Kylo and Luke started walking towards the stage, and Luke leaned over to him. “You sure you still want to do this?”

“Absolutely,” Kylo said, nodding. “More than ever.”

“Alright then,” Luke said as they approached the stage. “Hi Maz.”

“There's my boys,” Maz said, beaming at them like a proud mother. “Two best musicians in Manhattan. I cannot tell you how long I have waited for this moment.”

“I've waited for it for a long time too, Maz,” Luke said, opening up his guitar case and pulling R2-D2 out of it. “I'll be on stage tuning R2.”

Kylo approached Maz and stooped down to give her a hug. “Hiya Maz.”

“Boy, you look happy,” Maz noted. “Haven't seen you that way in a long time.”

“I think I finally am happy,” Kylo said, setting down his case and opening it, pulling C-3PO out of it. “But I'm nervous as hell.”

“You've got nothing to be nervous about, boy. This is nothing compared to a First Order crowd.”

“Yeah, but there was no one in a First Order crowd that I cared about,” Kylo said, taking a deep breath. “Wish me luck?”

“Break a leg, boy,” Maz said, walking away. “And make sure you play a Jedi Order song! Old Ben's in the house tonight and I think he'd like that.”

Kylo nodded and walked on stage, a large cheer rising from the crowd when they realized that he was going to play with Luke. He sat down on the chair and looked over to where Rey was sitting only to find the table empty. He frowned but quickly tuned up the guitar, then stood up and looked over at Luke. “Ready when you are.”

“Then let's play.”

They were three songs in when Kylo saw Rey making her way to the front of the crowd with Poe and Finn and a woman that he was pretty sure was Finn's girlfriend Jessika. There were a few others with them, but he didn't know their names, and it didn't matter once Rey met his gaze and grinned at him. 

He forced his eyes away from her to concentrate on the music, just a guitar, a bass, and two voices singing in harmony. Simple, beautiful, and yet more complex than all the production on a First Order song. This was music as Kylo had fallen in love with it, and it was music that was going to slowly heal the one hole left in his heart, the one that had only become apparent when the rest were healed. 

He'd missed music. He'd missed performing. And though it was never going to be like anything First Order had done, Kylo knew that tiny stage in Takodana Cantina with his uncle by his side was enough. In fact, it was perfect. 

When it came time for their last song, Luke looked over at him and Kylo nodded back, then they launched into a song that Kylo had written long before he'd been Kylo Ren, a song that he'd only ever played for one person before he'd taught it to Luke last week.

Rey's eyes widened when she recognized the music, a grin spreading across her face. The lyrics were still the generic lyrics that Kylo had written originally, always intending to go back and fix them into something proper, but Rey had loved it the way it was, so he never had. But this time, being on that stage and singing it for her again, Kylo had to change the last few lines.

_I never thought that we'd ever get a second chance_  
_I never thought my heart would ever mend_  
_But today you told me we have the opportunity to start again_  
_And for that I will be forever thankful  
_ _My beautiful, darling Rey_

Rey was still grinning when Kylo made eye contact with her. They had a lot of work to do to get back to where they were before, and maybe they never would get there. Maybe their second chance would end in disaster. Anything was possible. Things could change in an instant, just like they had before.

But the only thing he was certain of was that they were going to start again.

He'd earned the right to start again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end has arrived, but a sequel is coming! space pirate's love song will be up and going in a few days time. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who has commented, given a kudos, or read along silently. the response that i've received for this story is absolutely overwhelming and incredibly appreciated. you made me feel very welcome in this fandom, and that hasn't always happened with me and new fandoms. love to you all.

**Author's Note:**

> So I self-published a book! It's a YA fantasy story and if you want to get it (it's cheap!) then [go here!](http://www.amazon.com/Aetherion-Rising-Adelia-Chamberlain-ebook/dp/B00FUT7UF4/) Do you want to read the first two parts free? [Go here!](https://www.wattpad.com/story/44126937-aetherion-rising/parts)


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